Fridays are hard.

We’ve noticed a pattern that starts on Thursdays– I start to feel anxious and usually just chalk it up to being tired from the long week and TMS, but as soon as I wake up on Friday my heart just starts racing because I know that if I crash, I won’t be able to seeContinue reading “Fridays are hard.”

from my TMS workbook

I’m still feeling pretty good today– I’ve been smiling, I put on a tiny bit of makeup, I’ve helped Wren with school, I’ve completed a lot of my TMS homework. But then I read this IN MY WORKBOOK, which I find really disheartening and wonder why they would even include it. The image above isContinue reading “from my TMS workbook”

keep going..

My 90 minute ketamine infusion went really well last night— I felt immediate relief which doesn’t always happen. It felt different somehow, like more powerful? Today I’ve been focusing on showing up for myself, not pushing myself too hard and doing by best at taking it easy. My “taking it easy” today was returning somethingContinue reading “keep going..”

Care Package from Katie M.

Thank you Katie, I cannot express how much this means to me. Today I have TMS and a Ketamine infusion.

Suicidal Ideation

Today has been really, really difficult. I tried to hold it together so I could get through Wren’s schooling and a visit from her PT and OT. As soon as that was over my suicidal ideation became this huge weight on me paired with the desire to self harm. My eating disorder is fighting toContinue reading “Suicidal Ideation”

Crash

I chopped off most of my hair today thinking it would be fun and make me feel beautiful again. I have been feeling so very unattractive— lots of weight gain because of my medications and zero energy to exercise outside of the house. My eating disorder patterns have been triggered, but so far I’ve beenContinue reading “Crash”

Keep going.

Woody sent me this tonight and it really meant a lot to me. Today was the first day in months I’ve been on my own with the kids because Woody is up north and Jim was at work. I’m still feeling wiped out and inpatient with the kids. I would have stayed in bed allContinue reading “Keep going.”

Time for rest

Today was powered by lots of coffee. I am exhausted—Wren’s tight school schedule, her new wheelchair being delivered, rushed errands that needed to be done. All before my treatments that started at 3:00. TMS and a prolonged ketamine infusion that was weird and very difficult to explain. I do have a lot of ketamine inContinue reading “Time for rest”

Sleep + hypnic jerk

Most of the time I have no issues falling asleep— I think it’s because of the various treatments I receive that leave me feeling fatigued. And add distance learning into the mix and I’m always up for a nap. The issue I have is that 2-30 seconds after I fall asleep I have a hypnicContinue reading “Sleep + hypnic jerk”

Hard to live

Just another day of me crying through my TMS. Why is it so hard for me to live? I’m not blind to my privilege ( I’m white, have health insurance, food and housing, people who love me) which makes me feel even more guilty. I’m sure these blog posts are becoming redundant but I guessContinue reading “Hard to live”

How much longer?

Today I have to skip TMS which I’m not happy about because for the last 24 hours I have been feeling dizzy— not the nauseous kind, but the kind of dizzy you feel when you are weaning off medications, or after ECT. I have been so consistent and accountable with all of my treatments andContinue reading “How much longer?”

Patterns

This seems to be a pattern I’m noticing: 1. I feel severely depressed and experience passive suicidal ideation. 2. Treatment: I go in for a ketamine infusion a couple times a week, and TMS Monday-Friday. 3. After treatment I’m exhausted for at least a full 24 hours, not only from the infusion and TMS, butContinue reading “Patterns”

Big Day

Today was a pretty big day for me. Danielle wanted to try something new because the regular infusions were only giving me about 48 hours of relief at best. She prescribed a patch called Scopolamine which normally used to help with nausea– I think it was accidentally discovered that it makes the benefit of ketamineContinue reading “Big Day”

I’m still here

The heartbreak of RBG dying, America’s justice system failing Breonna Taylor, thinking about what’s at stake with the election on November 3rd… it’s been really difficult to post about my struggles because compared to women being terrified of losing their rights, systemic racism, and a piece of shit president who does something everyday that makesContinue reading “I’m still here”

Trigger warning: self harm, suicide

Tonight was scary. Either Jim or Woody drive me to my daily appointments because either my suicidal ideation is strong, I’m getting a ketamine infusion, or I’m just too mentally exhausted. I was particularly fragile today and because I was upset about something at home, I was stubborn and drove myself. On the way toContinue reading “Trigger warning: self harm, suicide”

This is what matters

I often feel as if I’m failing my children. Yesterday my three-year-old saw me crying in bed and told Jim that my brain is sick and I need to go to the hospital. This morning I struggled to get my six-year-old to do her homework and ended up back in bed sobbing because I wasContinue reading “This is what matters”

I’m so tired

I’m tired of resting in bed when I want to do other things. I’m tired of crashing at least once a week. I’m tired of my kids seeing me cry. I’m tired of not knowing what happens next. I’m tired of saying no. I’m tired of making decisions. I’m tired of appointments. I’m tired ofContinue reading “I’m so tired”

I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory

I’m pretty sure that anyone who is diagnosed to treatment resistant depression is probably willing to try just about anything to feel better. That includes paying out of pocket for a ketamine infusion after we have used up all of the donations for previous infusions. Danielle was able to fit me in for an infusionContinue reading “I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory”