I need to re-read this multiple times a day. “The truth is that you can be struggling and still be loved.” Sometimes I look at Jim and Woody when they’re distracted and contemplate why they are still by my side, fiercely and actively taking care of me. I look at my littles and wonder whyContinue reading “depression is a liar.”
Category Archives: mental illness
Invisibility Disability Week
Just a reminder that mental illnesses are invisible and you should never assume how someone is doing based on how they project themselves. Be well, be kind, vote.
tapering & withdrawl
I’ve known for awhile now that Klonopin (aka clonazepam) wasn’t the right drug for me based on side effects. I communicated my concerns to my doctor and was brushed off. When Woody backed me up a couple weeks later, my doctor said ok. This will be a LONG process, and anyone who has gone throughContinue reading “tapering & withdrawl”
baseline resiliency
Today the ketamine infusion was ok, I only dissociated for the last 15 minutes but I laid there relaxed and listened to the music. I require an anesthetic-sized dose because my body rapidly metabolizes medicine, so i’m exhausted and out-of-it afterwards. We are currently starting the tapering process on TMS– today was treatment #30. NextContinue reading “baseline resiliency”
Partner of the Depressed
(Guest journal entry by Woody, one of my partners that lives with me.) The hardest thing about loving someone who is suffering from depression is the memories what they are like when they are healthy. When we see those of us closest to us hurting, we want to try everything we can think of toContinue reading “Partner of the Depressed”
PTSD
Trigger warning: rape I was drugged and raped by a friend’s friend at 21– I went through exposure therapy to help me with my PTSD a couple years afterwards and it even though it was excruciating, it was also life changing. There are things I can do now after that therapy that I wasn’t ableContinue reading “PTSD”
and crash
I’m still on my anniversary trip. Jim just went for a bike ride which I encouraged because I know it makes him happy. As soon as he left I broke down in tears. How is it that I am basically holding it together by default and unable to identify that I’m crashing? Am I justContinue reading “and crash”
what you don’t see
I’m grateful for the ketamine infusion before our anniversary trip because it helps me feel stronger and more capable of battling my depression but it doesn’t just take a break when I get to. These smiles are genuine, I’m enjoying my trip with Jim. Nature hikes, fresh air, gift shopping, binge watching shows, laughing withContinue reading “what you don’t see”
trigger warning: eating disorder
I’ve battled eating disorders since middle school and if you have one or know of someone who does, it isn’t something that can just go away. I know many alcoholics and recovery isn’t easy for them either and I am not trying to imply that— but you can choose to not be around alcohol whenContinue reading “trigger warning: eating disorder”
depression + marriage
This morning Jim took me to get my TMS and ketamine infusion and afterwards we drove up north to a cabin near Pelican Lake to celebrate 7 years of being married. This trip is going to be a lot different from our other ones, but I know it will be just as good because heContinue reading “depression + marriage”
female bullshit
This morning I drove myself to Planned Parenthood to get my IUD removed and it was the second time since I almost drove myself off the road 2 weeks ago. Some studies have found that women using the Mirena (hormonal IUD) were more likely show signs of depression and anxiety. Also, I have period-like crampingContinue reading “female bullshit”
dark thoughts
I can never relax, i’m constantly in survival mode. I watch TV, read, scroll through social media, hang out with the guys, journal, blog, homeschool, make plans, listen to music.. anything to keep me going so my depression doesn’t paralyze me. On Thursday Jim and I are going up north for a few days toContinue reading “dark thoughts”
I made it through another day
This morning I tried to take a shower and I failed–I couldn’t muster up the energy it took to even turn on the water. Woody took me to my appointments this morning and Jim stayed home with the kids. I sobbed the entire 18 minutes of TMS– I really love my tech, she sat withContinue reading “I made it through another day”
Dos and Don’ts
Not all depression is created equal. Not all depressive episodes are the same. One good day does not mean we’re in remission. Assuming that we are depressed because we aren’t trying hard enough or are lazy is hurtful. We don’t need to look depressed for it to matter. Depression is INVISIBLE — we are strugglingContinue reading “Dos and Don’ts”
no rest for the depressed
I wouldn’t wish hypnic jerking on anyone. I drank 2 cups of sleepy time tea, NyQuil, an over-the-counter sleep med, and my night meds and my body still could not relax enough to sleep. I was hoping a good night of sleep was going to help but as soon as I woke up my brainContinue reading “no rest for the depressed”
World Mental Health Day
Happy(?) World Mental Health Day. I’ve been trying to come up with something inspiring, something helpful, some good news–I went for a hike, drank chai while I walked around the bookstore, had lunch with my partner, spent time with my three year old– literally using every skill I have to keep myself going including repeatingContinue reading “World Mental Health Day”
Fridays are hard.
We’ve noticed a pattern that starts on Thursdays– I start to feel anxious and usually just chalk it up to being tired from the long week and TMS, but as soon as I wake up on Friday my heart just starts racing because I know that if I crash, I won’t be able to seeContinue reading “Fridays are hard.”
from my TMS workbook
I’m still feeling pretty good today– I’ve been smiling, I put on a tiny bit of makeup, I’ve helped Wren with school, I’ve completed a lot of my TMS homework. But then I read this IN MY WORKBOOK, which I find really disheartening and wonder why they would even include it. The image above isContinue reading “from my TMS workbook”
keep going..
My 90 minute ketamine infusion went really well last night— I felt immediate relief which doesn’t always happen. It felt different somehow, like more powerful? Today I’ve been focusing on showing up for myself, not pushing myself too hard and doing by best at taking it easy. My “taking it easy” today was returning somethingContinue reading “keep going..”
Care Package from Katie M.
Thank you Katie, I cannot express how much this means to me. Today I have TMS and a Ketamine infusion.
i will grow from this 