Tag Archives: TRD

stress & sadness

Depression is bad again today. I’m still feeling uncomfortable inside my body— it feels like it doesn’t remember what normal is. Headache, stomach ache, swelling, muscle soreness. I’ve been sneaking away for a few minutes for the majority of the day so I can break down and cry. I’m anxious about this week. I’m alreadyContinue reading “stress & sadness”

TMS

Yesterday I had my last TMS appointment. I was so proud of myself— I had 37 treatments in just a couple months and it feels like a huge accomplishment. I did a little dance in the lobby. I’ve been reflecting on my TMS experience and I think the staff needs to be upfront with howContinue reading “TMS”

surviving distance learning

This morning I couldn’t get out of bed until after 10:00 and that was by Woody physically dragging me out. Distance learning with Wren (6) is going to break me. She is such a special and spirited kid and I love her fiercely but she fights me on everything. I’m trying to extend compassion toContinue reading “surviving distance learning”

self-worth

I had TMS today, it was sort of miserable because I have this headache that never goes away. I’m so tired of feeling physically ill from my Klonopin. The way we originally organized the taper was going to last until mid November and this morning I decided to just get it done in 5 days.Continue reading “self-worth”

running on empty

I have nothing left in my tank— I can barely show any affection to my family and I’m bone tired. I actually fell asleep writing this blog. This week there have been moments when I feel inspired, like I’m able to do something helpful around the house, play with the kids, run an extra errand.Continue reading “running on empty”

this Halloween

What’s terrifying this Halloween is how much I’m weighed down by the feeling that dying seems much easier than fighting ongoing battle of depression.. That self-harm seems to be the only thing I can think of that can distract me from how much my body hates me right now— between the existing side effects ofContinue reading “this Halloween”

depression is a liar.

I need to re-read this multiple times a day. “The truth is that you can be struggling and still be loved.” Sometimes I look at Jim and Woody when they’re distracted and contemplate why they are still by my side, fiercely and actively taking care of me. I look at my littles and wonder whyContinue reading “depression is a liar.”

Partner of the Depressed

(Guest journal entry by Woody, one of my partners that lives with me.) The hardest thing about loving someone who is suffering from depression is the memories what they are like when they are healthy. When we see those of us closest to us hurting, we want to try everything we can think of toContinue reading “Partner of the Depressed”

no rest for the depressed

I wouldn’t wish hypnic jerking on anyone. I drank 2 cups of sleepy time tea, NyQuil, an over-the-counter sleep med, and my night meds and my body still could not relax enough to sleep. I was hoping a good night of sleep was going to help but as soon as I woke up my brainContinue reading “no rest for the depressed”

from my TMS workbook

I’m still feeling pretty good today– I’ve been smiling, I put on a tiny bit of makeup, I’ve helped Wren with school, I’ve completed a lot of my TMS homework. But then I read this IN MY WORKBOOK, which I find really disheartening and wonder why they would even include it. The image above isContinue reading “from my TMS workbook”

keep going..

My 90 minute ketamine infusion went really well last night— I felt immediate relief which doesn’t always happen. It felt different somehow, like more powerful? Today I’ve been focusing on showing up for myself, not pushing myself too hard and doing by best at taking it easy. My “taking it easy” today was returning somethingContinue reading “keep going..”

Crash

I chopped off most of my hair today thinking it would be fun and make me feel beautiful again. I have been feeling so very unattractive— lots of weight gain because of my medications and zero energy to exercise outside of the house. My eating disorder patterns have been triggered, but so far I’ve beenContinue reading “Crash”

Hard to live

Just another day of me crying through my TMS. Why is it so hard for me to live? I’m not blind to my privilege ( I’m white, have health insurance, food and housing, people who love me) which makes me feel even more guilty. I’m sure these blog posts are becoming redundant but I guessContinue reading “Hard to live”

Exhaustion

Today feels heavy—tomorrow probably will too. My brain is still so sick, the state of our nation is even more so. On days like today I wonder if all I’m doing is taking and draining resources from people who can actually be helped. I’m barely sleeping. It could be could be a side effect ofContinue reading “Exhaustion”

I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory

I’m pretty sure that anyone who is diagnosed to treatment resistant depression is probably willing to try just about anything to feel better. That includes paying out of pocket for a ketamine infusion after we have used up all of the donations for previous infusions. Danielle was able to fit me in for an infusionContinue reading “I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory”

THANK YOU THANK YOU

Thank you to each and every person who donated so that I could get Ketamine infusions, which quite honestly have helped me stay alive. I have had 11 infusions total, most of them are helpful by getting me through to the next day, but I metabolize medicine very quickly so I often need a higherContinue reading “THANK YOU THANK YOU”

Transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) #1

Ok, there were two separate things happening last night and I wasn’t ready to talk about it but I’m going to give it a shot now. TMS uses a small electromagnetic coil controlled by a computer program to deliver short, powerful bursts of magnetic energy focused precisely on the left side of the brain’s frontal cortex.Continue reading “Transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) #1”