Parenting

Parenting with depression is tough. This morning I was in my van with tears streaming down my face as I was waiting to pick up my son from pre-k. I quickly wiped my eyes, got out to gather near the other parents, pretending to have my shit together even though I wasn’t wearing a braContinue reading “Parenting”

struggling

Recently the people closest to me have been having to remind me that my feelings are valid, that I’m not alone in this struggle, they encourage me to stay fierce and show up for myself. I mean it when I say I have the most incredible people in my life. Because lately, it’s definitely beenContinue reading “struggling”

rest

My mental health has been significantly more stabilized this year, but it’s still a struggle. I am still going through the cycle of grief with my divorce, both of my kid’s experiencing big emotions because of their world changing, and my eating disorder has been flairing up. All of these things take up a lotContinue reading “rest”

crashing hard

For minutes I starred at my reflection in the mirror, watching tears roll down my face. I’m begging myself to be strong and just hold on. Thoughts of self harm have been popping in and out of my thoughts all day. Even suicidal ideation returned after being absent for a couple months. Trying to findContinue reading “crashing hard”

surviving distance learning

This morning I couldn’t get out of bed until after 10:00 and that was by Woody physically dragging me out. Distance learning with Wren (6) is going to break me. She is such a special and spirited kid and I love her fiercely but she fights me on everything. I’m trying to extend compassion toContinue reading “surviving distance learning”

pretending

Happy Halloween 🎃 I had to do a lot of pretending to get through the day so that my kids could enjoy the holiday. My friend Patrick stopped by with a chai and gift for me and a bag of goodies for the kids. One of my besties, Bath-Sheba came over with her little oneContinue reading “pretending”

baseline resiliency

Today the ketamine infusion was ok, I only dissociated for the last 15 minutes but I laid there relaxed and listened to the music. I require an anesthetic-sized dose because my body rapidly metabolizes medicine, so i’m exhausted and out-of-it afterwards. We are currently starting the tapering process on TMS– today was treatment #30. NextContinue reading “baseline resiliency”

This is what matters

I often feel as if I’m failing my children. Yesterday my three-year-old saw me crying in bed and told Jim that my brain is sick and I need to go to the hospital. This morning I struggled to get my six-year-old to do her homework and ended up back in bed sobbing because I wasContinue reading “This is what matters”