Depression in 2020

Depression in 2020: weight loss. weight gain.  tears. sobs.  asking for help.  feeling too much. feeling nothing at all.  therapy. doctor appointments. testing. days I could smile. days I put makeup on. deep exhaustion. treatment resistant depression.  one step forward. two steps back. inability to get out of bed. panic attacks. constant medication changes. side effects.Continue reading “Depression in 2020”

pretending

Happy Halloween 🎃 I had to do a lot of pretending to get through the day so that my kids could enjoy the holiday. My friend Patrick stopped by with a chai and gift for me and a bag of goodies for the kids. One of my besties, Bath-Sheba came over with her little oneContinue reading “pretending”

Partner of the Depressed

(Guest journal entry by Woody, one of my partners that lives with me.) The hardest thing about loving someone who is suffering from depression is the memories what they are like when they are healthy. When we see those of us closest to us hurting, we want to try everything we can think of toContinue reading “Partner of the Depressed”

what you don’t see

I’m grateful for the ketamine infusion before our anniversary trip because it helps me feel stronger and more capable of battling my depression but it doesn’t just take a break when I get to. These smiles are genuine, I’m enjoying my trip with Jim. Nature hikes, fresh air, gift shopping, binge watching shows, laughing withContinue reading “what you don’t see”

depression + marriage

This morning Jim took me to get my TMS and ketamine infusion and afterwards we drove up north to a cabin near Pelican Lake to celebrate 7 years of being married. This trip is going to be a lot different from our other ones, but I know it will be just as good because heContinue reading “depression + marriage”

keep going..

My 90 minute ketamine infusion went really well last night— I felt immediate relief which doesn’t always happen. It felt different somehow, like more powerful? Today I’ve been focusing on showing up for myself, not pushing myself too hard and doing by best at taking it easy. My “taking it easy” today was returning somethingContinue reading “keep going..”

Suicidal Ideation

Today has been really, really difficult. I tried to hold it together so I could get through Wren’s schooling and a visit from her PT and OT. As soon as that was over my suicidal ideation became this huge weight on me paired with the desire to self harm. My eating disorder is fighting toContinue reading “Suicidal Ideation”

Crash

I chopped off most of my hair today thinking it would be fun and make me feel beautiful again. I have been feeling so very unattractive— lots of weight gain because of my medications and zero energy to exercise outside of the house. My eating disorder patterns have been triggered, but so far I’ve beenContinue reading “Crash”

Thank you

I truly appreciate the kindness of everyone who has reached out, donated, and sent cards and gifts. I especially appreciate quick daily messages from you asking if i’m doing okay, and those of you who comment on my blog and facebook posts. And as a reminder– there are no perfect words– just knowing that you’reContinue reading “Thank you”