brighter days

If you follow me on social media, you’ve likely noticed that my smile is bigger, I’m saying yes more, I’m enjoying and showing up for the people I love, picking my hobbies back up, making new friends, keeping busy— finally feeling more like a participant in my own life rather than an observer. January-May wasContinue reading “brighter days”

TMS is for fighters

My depression is not improving so I’m starting another round of TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation). Certain parts of your brain sort of stop working properly when you’re depressed. […] TMS sends electromagnetic pulses through your skull into specific parts of your brain and stimulates the part that isn’t working, like physical therapy for your brainContinue reading “TMS is for fighters”

2021

It’s easy to reflect on the past year and think you haven’t accomplished much (especially during a pandemic), but as I am reading my journal from 2021, I can clearly see that I showed up for myself more than I ever have. I reconnected with my intuition, learned how to show up for myself, andContinue reading “2021”

Parenting

Parenting with depression is tough. This morning I was in my van with tears streaming down my face as I was waiting to pick up my son from pre-k. I quickly wiped my eyes, got out to gather near the other parents, pretending to have my shit together even though I wasn’t wearing a braContinue reading “Parenting”

feeling anger

Why didn’t anyone tell me that anger is a valid way to express feelings? That it could be anger and safe at the same time? Why am I 35 and just learning this now? It feels like I have paused at this place in my healing, unable to continue on until I let myself genuinelyContinue reading “feeling anger”

struggling

Recently the people closest to me have been having to remind me that my feelings are valid, that I’m not alone in this struggle, they encourage me to stay fierce and show up for myself. I mean it when I say I have the most incredible people in my life. Because lately, it’s definitely beenContinue reading “struggling”

rest

My mental health has been significantly more stabilized this year, but it’s still a struggle. I am still going through the cycle of grief with my divorce, both of my kid’s experiencing big emotions because of their world changing, and my eating disorder has been flairing up. All of these things take up a lotContinue reading “rest”

Ketamine

Today I went from sobbing in bed in the afternoon, to swinging on our play-set with Tucker, and having a dance party with the girls in the evening. Why? Ketamine infusions. It’s more than that— it’s also weekly therapy, medication, support and encouragement from others, better sleep hygiene, and improving my relationship with food. ButContinue reading “Ketamine”

puppy

We adopted a puppy from Healing Hearts Rescue. Her name is Ginny and she’s 8 weeks old. We brought her home on Saturday and I’ve noticed a significant boost from my depression. I know that playing with a dog can elevate levels of serotonin and dopamine which make us happier and more calm. The nameContinue reading “puppy”

PHQ-9

This was taken one year ago today. It had been almost 4 months since I was hospitalized, I found a great new therapist, and changed my medications. I remember this day well; I had the lowest PHQ-9 score in over a year, and I felt hopeful that I was getting better. And then COVID hit,Continue reading “PHQ-9”

disabilities

It’s been a tough few days for my daughter. Wren has to wear braces due to her cerebral palsy and they have been giving her sores, so she hasn’t been wearing them since Friday. Yesterday she was crying at the playground out of frustration because she was unable keep up with her siblings who wereContinue reading “disabilities”

crashing hard

For minutes I starred at my reflection in the mirror, watching tears roll down my face. I’m begging myself to be strong and just hold on. Thoughts of self harm have been popping in and out of my thoughts all day. Even suicidal ideation returned after being absent for a couple months. Trying to findContinue reading “crashing hard”

floor

Woody asked me, “why are you laying on the floor?” I think I dissociated, I don’t remember how I got there. I’ve been fighting a war with my head + heart. And I think the weight of it all has caused me to collapse, again. I was healing, getting stronger. Now I feel like I’mContinue reading “floor”

Because you’re always sad?

One night this week during dinner, we were talking about how my three-year-old son Tucker is a lot like me (because he is sensitive and empathetic), and my 6 year old daughter said, “because you’re always sad?” It took my breath away. I knew that this was a teachable moment and my reaction was importantContinue reading “Because you’re always sad?”

worth celebrating

I’m not big on New Years resolutions, especially because the majority of them revolve around diet culture, and that’s really triggering for me. But, there is satisfaction to be found in saying, “I fucking survived 2020” I didn’t know if I could make it, but I did. Even if I was dragging, crying and screaming…Continue reading “worth celebrating”

Depression in 2020

Creating this video and sharing it is FAR outside of my comfort zone. But I think it’s important to show youthat depression is an invisible battle & it can look many different ways.You can’t always know what someone is going throughwith just a glance. Depression in 2020: weight loss. weight gain.  tears. sobs.  asking forContinue reading “Depression in 2020”

try

I’ve been listening to this song on repeat. I wish that you could see the pain that I’ve seenAnd all of the times I spent being not me I hope you know that it’s not always happy in my head‘Cause I don’t knowThe perfect road to go downBut I know I’m trying my bestI’m tryingContinue reading “try”

Let’s talk about memory loss.

Why don’t we talk about the link between depression and memory loss/function? I struggle with memory loss, the majority of it is related to going through 5 ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy) treatments in August while I was hospitalized. I was informed this would happen, and at the time, my depression was so severe that I viewedContinue reading “Let’s talk about memory loss.”

suicidal thoughts

Ketamine infusions have proven to be the most effective for treating my depressive episode. For most of the fall I was getting an infusion twice a week, but tried to space it out (because it’s expensive) to every 10 days, with the goal of getting it every 3 weeks. But as soon as I goContinue reading “suicidal thoughts”