This summer I’ve been discussing with my team at the ketamine clinic about switching my infusions from every week to every two weeks. This is a major deal because I’ve had weekly infusions for over two years and the thought of having them less used to send me into a panic. After my infusion todayContinue reading “i’m ready”
Tag Archives: ketamine
puppy
We adopted a puppy from Healing Hearts Rescue. Her name is Ginny and she’s 8 weeks old. We brought her home on Saturday and I’ve noticed a significant boost from my depression. I know that playing with a dog can elevate levels of serotonin and dopamine which make us happier and more calm. The nameContinue reading “puppy”
Depression in 2020
Creating this video and sharing it is FAR outside of my comfort zone. But I think it’s important to show youthat depression is an invisible battle & it can look many different ways.You can’t always know what someone is going throughwith just a glance. Depression in 2020: weight loss. weight gain. tears. sobs. asking forContinue reading “Depression in 2020”
pause
This past week I’ve had pockets of happy in the sea of darkness that is in my head. It seems like I have unintentionally paused my life– I’m literally just trying to make it to the next day. I’m waiting, not living. The ketamine infusions keep me going, but it was becoming quickly obvious thatContinue reading “pause”
clenched fists
The clinic opened back up today and Danielle met me for an infusion. I have so much love for her— she came in despite having a death in the family. Turns out having a ketamine infusion during this election can be intense— while I was dissociating, I was feeling ALL of the feelings about theContinue reading “clenched fists”
this Halloween
What’s terrifying this Halloween is how much I’m weighed down by the feeling that dying seems much easier than fighting ongoing battle of depression.. That self-harm seems to be the only thing I can think of that can distract me from how much my body hates me right now— between the existing side effects ofContinue reading “this Halloween”
what you don’t see
I’m grateful for the ketamine infusion before our anniversary trip because it helps me feel stronger and more capable of battling my depression but it doesn’t just take a break when I get to. These smiles are genuine, I’m enjoying my trip with Jim. Nature hikes, fresh air, gift shopping, binge watching shows, laughing withContinue reading “what you don’t see”
keep going..
My 90 minute ketamine infusion went really well last night— I felt immediate relief which doesn’t always happen. It felt different somehow, like more powerful? Today I’ve been focusing on showing up for myself, not pushing myself too hard and doing by best at taking it easy. My “taking it easy” today was returning somethingContinue reading “keep going..”
Suicidal Ideation
Today has been really, really difficult. I tried to hold it together so I could get through Wren’s schooling and a visit from her PT and OT. As soon as that was over my suicidal ideation became this huge weight on me paired with the desire to self harm. My eating disorder is fighting toContinue reading “Suicidal Ideation”
Time for rest
Today was powered by lots of coffee. I am exhausted—Wren’s tight school schedule, her new wheelchair being delivered, rushed errands that needed to be done. All before my treatments that started at 3:00. TMS and a prolonged ketamine infusion that was weird and very difficult to explain. I do have a lot of ketamine inContinue reading “Time for rest”
Patterns
This seems to be a pattern I’m noticing: 1. I feel severely depressed and experience passive suicidal ideation. 2. Treatment: I go in for a ketamine infusion a couple times a week, and TMS Monday-Friday. 3. After treatment I’m exhausted for at least a full 24 hours, not only from the infusion and TMS, butContinue reading “Patterns”
Big Day
Today was a pretty big day for me. Danielle wanted to try something new because the regular infusions were only giving me about 48 hours of relief at best. She prescribed a patch called Scopolamine which normally used to help with nausea– I think it was accidentally discovered that it makes the benefit of ketamineContinue reading “Big Day”
Trial & Error
I know I just wrote about progress, it wasn’t a lie — it was me trying to use my wise mind and see the good. And keep my shit together so I could help Wren through school today— I’m not sure I exceeded. Compound ketamine is ideal in almost every way, but with the exceptionContinue reading “Trial & Error”
Compound Ketamine
Today after TMS, I picked up my prescription for compound Ketamine— it was $36 but since we have reached our deductible of 4K—we have spent over 3k on prescriptions for my depression—it was free with insurance. It is VERY unpleasant, I have to do five sprays in each nostril every other day… the ONLY thingContinue reading “Compound Ketamine”
UPDATES
It’s been 36 hours since my last ketamine infusion and I’m still feeling good– I’m not starting random dance parties in our living room, or playing my ukulele– but I can play simple board games, I took the kids for a walk to pick up garbage in our neighborhood, went to Costco with my sisterContinue reading “UPDATES”
eye bra
I felt better after my ketamine infusion last night and this morning Wren came up the stairs and I told her, “mommy is feeling better today,” and she had the biggest smile and it made my heart so happy! I was able to get myself coffee, dress myself (sometimes I need help), and water myContinue reading “eye bra”
i will grow from this 