I felt better after my ketamine infusion last night and this morning Wren came up the stairs and I told her, “mommy is feeling better today,” and she had the biggest smile and it made my heart so happy! I was able to get myself coffee, dress myself (sometimes I need help), and water my houseplants.
I receive infusions at The Remedy in Vadnais Heights— I highly recommend them. Danielle is the nurse anesthetist and she gives me the infusions— this morning she gave me a larger dose of Ketamine for a longer period of time—1 hour so that I can have an easier weekend. It’s remarkable how much better I feel in only 15 hours.
It’s difficult to explain what is happening in my head during the infusions. I dissociate ( feeling disconnected from my thoughts, feelings, memories, and surroundings. It can affect my sense of identity and perception of time.) It’s usually pleasant and interesting but today it became really dark and I thought I was going to die, I actually asked Jim if I was going to die. Danielle helped me with deep breathing and I was able to calm down. The terrifying thing is that I thought I was going to die AND I felt relieved. My next appointment is Monday.
Thank you to everyone who has donated money so I can get these infusions, the cards and gifts in the mail, texts/pm, offers to help with the kids.. I don’t know what I did to deserve all of this love, you really are the most beautiful souls.
i will grow from this 
“The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had.” I don’t have any experience of ketamine, but I’ve heard only good things about it for depression. I admire your sharing. I do have experience of psilocybin, which grows all around me, and will vote in several weeks for an Oregon ballot measure authorizing a regulated psilocybin therapy program for, among other things, treatment resistant depression. Your description of dissociative, pleasant and unpleasant experiential aspects sounds extremely familiar. With psilocybin anyway, regardless whether the acute effects are enjoyable or not, there’s always been a lift and a loosening of entrenched patterns in the following days and weeks. To me it usually feels very spiritual. Does that sound right for ketamine too?
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What a scary yet interesting experience. I wish there were an easier way. I hope the feeling-better grows and blossoms.
❤️❤️❤️
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