mental health awareness month

I’ve been struggling with writing a blog post about mental health awareness month because of my mental illness… oh the irony. Mental health matters, (make it a priority). Mental illness is invisible, (but it’s real). Ask for help, (it shows strength). You can heal from your trauma, (and you deserve to heal). Normalize taking medication,Continue reading “mental health awareness month”

PHQ-9

This was taken one year ago today. It had been almost 4 months since I was hospitalized, I found a great new therapist, and changed my medications. I remember this day well; I had the lowest PHQ-9 score in over a year, and I felt hopeful that I was getting better. And then COVID hit,Continue reading “PHQ-9”

disabilities

It’s been a tough few days for my daughter. Wren has to wear braces due to her cerebral palsy and they have been giving her sores, so she hasn’t been wearing them since Friday. Yesterday she was crying at the playground out of frustration because she was unable keep up with her siblings who wereContinue reading “disabilities”

crashing hard

For minutes I starred at my reflection in the mirror, watching tears roll down my face. I’m begging myself to be strong and just hold on. Thoughts of self harm have been popping in and out of my thoughts all day. Even suicidal ideation returned after being absent for a couple months. Trying to findContinue reading “crashing hard”

floor

Woody asked me, “why are you laying on the floor?” I think I dissociated, I don’t remember how I got there. I’ve been fighting a war with my head + heart. And I think the weight of it all has caused me to collapse, again. I was healing, getting stronger. Now I feel like I’mContinue reading “floor”

Trauma

I’ve cried so much today. This afternoon I had a panic attack and hid in my closet. My heart was beating rapidly, I couldn’t catch my breath, I was shaking and sweating. I alternated between feeling afraid, and feeling like I was detached from my body and watching it happen to me. I don’t chooseContinue reading “Trauma”

Because you’re always sad?

One night this week during dinner, we were talking about how my three-year-old son Tucker is a lot like me (because he is sensitive and empathetic), and my 6 year old daughter said, “because you’re always sad?” It took my breath away. I knew that this was a teachable moment and my reaction was importantContinue reading “Because you’re always sad?”

worth celebrating

I’m not big on New Years resolutions, especially because the majority of them revolve around diet culture, and that’s really triggering for me. But, there is satisfaction to be found in saying, “I fucking survived 2020” I didn’t know if I could make it, but I did. Even if I was dragging, crying and screaming…Continue reading “worth celebrating”

Depression in 2020

Depression in 2020: weight loss. weight gain.  tears. sobs.  asking for help.  feeling too much. feeling nothing at all.  therapy. doctor appointments. testing. days I could smile. days I put makeup on. deep exhaustion. treatment resistant depression.  one step forward. two steps back. inability to get out of bed. panic attacks. constant medication changes. side effects.Continue reading “Depression in 2020”

try

I’ve been listening to this song on repeat. I wish that you could see the pain that I’ve seenAnd all of the times I spent being not me I hope you know that it’s not always happy in my head‘Cause I don’t knowThe perfect road to go downBut I know I’m trying my bestI’m tryingContinue reading “try”

Let’s talk about memory loss.

Why don’t we talk about the link between depression and memory loss/function? I struggle with memory loss, the majority of it is related to going through 5 ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy) treatments in August while I was hospitalized. I was informed this would happen, and at the time, my depression was so severe that I viewedContinue reading “Let’s talk about memory loss.”

suicidal thoughts

Ketamine infusions have proven to be the most effective for treating my depressive episode. For most of the fall I was getting an infusion twice a week, but tried to space it out (because it’s expensive) to every 10 days, with the goal of getting it every 3 weeks. But as soon as I goContinue reading “suicidal thoughts”

keep going..

keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keepContinue reading “keep going..”

built for it

I’ve been trying to outrun my sadness. If I pause, I start to cry and my suicidal ideation gets scary. I am just so over today — my patience is thin, I’m irritable, my head hurts, the feeling of hopelessness is heavy. This year is brutal for everyone. I wasn’t ready for a fraction ofContinue reading “built for it”

I am healing but it’s taking so long.

It doesn’t seem like being alive is as hard for other people ask it is for me. It just feels like there’s some kind of secret to life I don’t know. Like I’m doing it all wrong. Glennon Doyle This is month 18 of my current depressive episode. Are you getting tired of reading aboutContinue reading “I am healing but it’s taking so long.”

pause

This past week I’ve had pockets of happy in the sea of darkness that is in my head. It seems like I have unintentionally paused my life– I’m literally just trying to make it to the next day. I’m waiting, not living. The ketamine infusions keep me going, but it was becoming quickly obvious thatContinue reading “pause”