Depression in 2020

Depression in 2020: weight loss. weight gain.  tears. sobs.  asking for help.  feeling too much. feeling nothing at all.  therapy. doctor appointments. testing. days I could smile. days I put makeup on. deep exhaustion. treatment resistant depression.  one step forward. two steps back. inability to get out of bed. panic attacks. constant medication changes. side effects.Continue reading “Depression in 2020”

TMS

Yesterday I had my last TMS appointment. I was so proud of myself— I had 37 treatments in just a couple months and it feels like a huge accomplishment. I did a little dance in the lobby. I’ve been reflecting on my TMS experience and I think the staff needs to be upfront with howContinue reading “TMS”

clenched fists

The clinic opened back up today and Danielle met me for an infusion. I have so much love for her— she came in despite having a death in the family. Turns out having a ketamine infusion during this election can be intense— while I was dissociating, I was feeling ALL of the feelings about theContinue reading “clenched fists”

anxiety

It’s been awhile since I’ve felt this level of anxiety– I can barely type or think complete thoughts. The election is causing everyone anxiety but I have other things weighing on me too. The clinic where I get my TMS and ketamine treatments done has a patient that tested positive for COVID-19 and it’s beenContinue reading “anxiety”

self-worth

I had TMS today, it was sort of miserable because I have this headache that never goes away. I’m so tired of feeling physically ill from my Klonopin. The way we originally organized the taper was going to last until mid November and this morning I decided to just get it done in 5 days.Continue reading “self-worth”

running on empty

I have nothing left in my tank— I can barely show any affection to my family and I’m bone tired. I actually fell asleep writing this blog. This week there have been moments when I feel inspired, like I’m able to do something helpful around the house, play with the kids, run an extra errand.Continue reading “running on empty”

this Halloween

What’s terrifying this Halloween is how much I’m weighed down by the feeling that dying seems much easier than fighting ongoing battle of depression.. That self-harm seems to be the only thing I can think of that can distract me from how much my body hates me right now— between the existing side effects ofContinue reading “this Halloween”

PTSD

Trigger warning: rape I was drugged and raped by a friend’s friend at 21– I went through exposure therapy to help me with my PTSD a couple years afterwards and it even though it was excruciating, it was also life changing. There are things I can do now after that therapy that I wasn’t ableContinue reading “PTSD”

and crash

I’m still on my anniversary trip. Jim just went for a bike ride which I encouraged because I know it makes him happy. As soon as he left I broke down in tears. How is it that I am basically holding it together by default and unable to identify that I’m crashing? Am I justContinue reading “and crash”

depression + marriage

This morning Jim took me to get my TMS and ketamine infusion and afterwards we drove up north to a cabin near Pelican Lake to celebrate 7 years of being married. This trip is going to be a lot different from our other ones, but I know it will be just as good because heContinue reading “depression + marriage”

I made it through another day

This morning I tried to take a shower and I failed–I couldn’t muster up the energy it took to even turn on the water. Woody took me to my appointments this morning and Jim stayed home with the kids. I sobbed the entire 18 minutes of TMS– I really love my tech, she sat withContinue reading “I made it through another day”

from my TMS workbook

I’m still feeling pretty good today– I’ve been smiling, I put on a tiny bit of makeup, I’ve helped Wren with school, I’ve completed a lot of my TMS homework. But then I read this IN MY WORKBOOK, which I find really disheartening and wonder why they would even include it. The image above isContinue reading “from my TMS workbook”

keep going..

My 90 minute ketamine infusion went really well last night— I felt immediate relief which doesn’t always happen. It felt different somehow, like more powerful? Today I’ve been focusing on showing up for myself, not pushing myself too hard and doing by best at taking it easy. My “taking it easy” today was returning somethingContinue reading “keep going..”

Time for rest

Today was powered by lots of coffee. I am exhausted—Wren’s tight school schedule, her new wheelchair being delivered, rushed errands that needed to be done. All before my treatments that started at 3:00. TMS and a prolonged ketamine infusion that was weird and very difficult to explain. I do have a lot of ketamine inContinue reading “Time for rest”

Hard to live

Just another day of me crying through my TMS. Why is it so hard for me to live? I’m not blind to my privilege ( I’m white, have health insurance, food and housing, people who love me) which makes me feel even more guilty. I’m sure these blog posts are becoming redundant but I guessContinue reading “Hard to live”

Exhaustion

Today feels heavy—tomorrow probably will too. My brain is still so sick, the state of our nation is even more so. On days like today I wonder if all I’m doing is taking and draining resources from people who can actually be helped. I’m barely sleeping. It could be could be a side effect ofContinue reading “Exhaustion”

How much longer?

Today I have to skip TMS which I’m not happy about because for the last 24 hours I have been feeling dizzy— not the nauseous kind, but the kind of dizzy you feel when you are weaning off medications, or after ECT. I have been so consistent and accountable with all of my treatments andContinue reading “How much longer?”

Patterns

This seems to be a pattern I’m noticing: 1. I feel severely depressed and experience passive suicidal ideation. 2. Treatment: I go in for a ketamine infusion a couple times a week, and TMS Monday-Friday. 3. After treatment I’m exhausted for at least a full 24 hours, not only from the infusion and TMS, butContinue reading “Patterns”

Big Day

Today was a pretty big day for me. Danielle wanted to try something new because the regular infusions were only giving me about 48 hours of relief at best. She prescribed a patch called Scopolamine which normally used to help with nausea– I think it was accidentally discovered that it makes the benefit of ketamineContinue reading “Big Day”

I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory

I’m pretty sure that anyone who is diagnosed to treatment resistant depression is probably willing to try just about anything to feel better. That includes paying out of pocket for a ketamine infusion after we have used up all of the donations for previous infusions. Danielle was able to fit me in for an infusionContinue reading “I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory”