I’m still on my anniversary trip. Jim just went for a bike ride which I encouraged because I know it makes him happy. As soon as he left I broke down in tears. How is it that I am basically holding it together by default and unable to identify that I’m crashing? Am I just distracted? Am I not checking in with myself enough? Am I just getting that good at pretending I have things together that I fool myself? Until I have some alone time… and I just fall apart?
At what point will my doctor say, “TMS just isn’t working for you”? He has completely taken me off of all of my anti-depressents. Ketamine is the only thing keeping me alive. Do I need to go back to the hospital and start over to figure out what we missed? WHY AM I NOT GETTING BETTER!?
I feel like this crash is happening is slow motion. As soon as I started to cry, I took my morning meds. I started to meditate, then I journaled, and thought maybe doing my CBT training (that’s paired with TMS) online might help and the first sentence I read is: “Relapses can be a great opportunity for self-exploration and personal growth.” I don’t know who wrote this but more often than not the training makes me even angrier– and I’m really not an angry person. Can I please just get through this depressive episode first before thinking of future ones!?
From my journal this morning:
- The crackling from the gas fireplace I’m sitting next to
- The woman next door walking down the snowy stairs
- The wind blowing through the trees
- The cabin floor creaking
- The sniffles from crying
What I hear in my head:
- You’ve gained too much weight
- Everyone is tired of reading your blog, or following you on social media
- Your family is pulling away from you
- Stop fucking up the calendar
- Your lack of sex drive is a big problem
- Ending your life is probably your best option
- The best others can do is tolerate me
- TMS isn’t going to work for me
- It’s only a matter of time before I’m going to lose both Woody and Jim
- My kids would rather be parented by my sister, not me
- You can’t make a difference and help others while you’re this sick
- You are barely hanging on and it’s obvious