and crash

I’m still on my anniversary trip. Jim just went for a bike ride which I encouraged because I know it makes him happy. As soon as he left I broke down in tears. How is it that I am basically holding it together by default and unable to identify that I’m crashing? Am I just distracted? Am I not checking in with myself enough? Am I just getting that good at pretending I have things together that I fool myself? Until I have some alone time… and I just fall apart?

At what point will my doctor say, “TMS just isn’t working for you”? He has completely taken me off of all of my anti-depressents. Ketamine is the only thing keeping me alive. Do I need to go back to the hospital and start over to figure out what we missed? WHY AM I NOT GETTING BETTER!?

I feel like this crash is happening is slow motion. As soon as I started to cry, I took my morning meds. I started to meditate, then I journaled, and thought maybe doing my CBT training (that’s paired with TMS) online might help and the first sentence I read is: “Relapses can be a great opportunity for self-exploration and personal growth.” I don’t know who wrote this but more often than not the training makes me even angrier– and I’m really not an angry person. Can I please just get through this depressive episode first before thinking of future ones!?

From my journal this morning:

I hear:

  • The crackling from the gas fireplace I’m sitting next to
  • The woman next door walking down the snowy stairs
  • The wind blowing through the trees
  • The cabin floor creaking
  • The sniffles from crying

What I hear in my head:

  • You’ve gained too much weight
  • Everyone is tired of reading your blog, or following you on social media
  • Your family is pulling away from you
  • Stop fucking up the calendar
  • Your lack of sex drive is a big problem
  • Ending your life is probably your best option
  • The best others can do is tolerate me
  • TMS isn’t going to work for me
  • It’s only a matter of time before I’m going to lose both Woody and Jim
  • My kids would rather be parented by my sister, not me
  • You can’t make a difference and help others while you’re this sick
  • You are barely hanging on and it’s obvious

4 thoughts on “and crash

  1. Cassie – I’ve suffered from depression in the past but never to the level you experience. However, the one time I did see a therapist, she suggested that when I have negative thoughts such as you’re list above, just reverse them :
    – You look Great
    – your family loves you
    – your blog is great.
    Overly simplistic I know given all you’ve gone thru but it did help me a lot. Ever since, I’ve tried to live by the KISS philosophy- keep it simple stupid.
    Hang in there – you’re loved and appreciated, your family would be lost without you and the world is a much better place with you in it.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I appreciate your blog and your honesty about a desperately difficult situation. I’m not tired of hearing about your suffering—though of course I wish you would feel better. But if you aren’t, it’s okay to express it.

    My own depression was long and deep. I’m not always well now, but I’m so much better. I often thought it was impossible to get better, but finally, it started to happen, and now I’m doing well much more than I’m depressed. I hope you’ll be able to say the same, and SOON!

    And I know, I know for sure, that your family would not be better off without you. That’s a lie that Depression tells you. It sounds convincing when you are in pain, but it really is a lie. 💕🌈🌻🌺

    Liked by 1 person

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