disabilities

It’s been a tough few days for my daughter. Wren has to wear braces due to her cerebral palsy and they have been giving her sores, so she hasn’t been wearing them since Friday. Yesterday she was crying at the playground out of frustration because she was unable keep up with her siblings who wereContinue reading “disabilities”

crashing hard

For minutes I starred at my reflection in the mirror, watching tears roll down my face. I’m begging myself to be strong and just hold on. Thoughts of self harm have been popping in and out of my thoughts all day. Even suicidal ideation returned after being absent for a couple months. Trying to findContinue reading “crashing hard”

rebuild

When I started getting ketamine infusions last fall, I was barely hanging onto my life. There were days when I needed help getting dressed before I could leave the house. During the infusions, either Jim or Woody would sit next to me, and I’d hold their hand while I dissociated for an hour. Every weekContinue reading “rebuild”

Depression in 2020

Depression in 2020: weight loss. weight gain.  tears. sobs.  asking for help.  feeling too much. feeling nothing at all.  therapy. doctor appointments. testing. days I could smile. days I put makeup on. deep exhaustion. treatment resistant depression.  one step forward. two steps back. inability to get out of bed. panic attacks. constant medication changes. side effects.Continue reading “Depression in 2020”

try

I’ve been listening to this song on repeat. I wish that you could see the pain that I’ve seenAnd all of the times I spent being not me I hope you know that it’s not always happy in my head‘Cause I don’t knowThe perfect road to go downBut I know I’m trying my bestI’m tryingContinue reading “try”

suicidal thoughts

Ketamine infusions have proven to be the most effective for treating my depressive episode. For most of the fall I was getting an infusion twice a week, but tried to space it out (because it’s expensive) to every 10 days, with the goal of getting it every 3 weeks. But as soon as I goContinue reading “suicidal thoughts”

self-preservation

After feeling my emotions so intensely for so long, I’ve recently started to feel kind of numb… but not in a negative way, more of a self-preservation way. I’m trying to keep things simple and avoid deep processing anything. I’ve been working on getting back to basic self care– keeping up with personal hygiene, gettingContinue reading “self-preservation”

clenched fists

The clinic opened back up today and Danielle met me for an infusion. I have so much love for her— she came in despite having a death in the family. Turns out having a ketamine infusion during this election can be intense— while I was dissociating, I was feeling ALL of the feelings about theContinue reading “clenched fists”

it’s hard.

My last ketamine infusion was 6 days ago and I still don’t know when my next one will be. I think the reason I haven’t mentally crashed this week is because my anxiety has literally taken over my body and I’m back in survival mode. When I complete a task, I pause afterwards and thinkContinue reading “it’s hard.”

anxiety

It’s been awhile since I’ve felt this level of anxiety– I can barely type or think complete thoughts. The election is causing everyone anxiety but I have other things weighing on me too. The clinic where I get my TMS and ketamine treatments done has a patient that tested positive for COVID-19 and it’s beenContinue reading “anxiety”

running on empty

I have nothing left in my tank— I can barely show any affection to my family and I’m bone tired. I actually fell asleep writing this blog. This week there have been moments when I feel inspired, like I’m able to do something helpful around the house, play with the kids, run an extra errand.Continue reading “running on empty”

this Halloween

What’s terrifying this Halloween is how much I’m weighed down by the feeling that dying seems much easier than fighting ongoing battle of depression.. That self-harm seems to be the only thing I can think of that can distract me from how much my body hates me right now— between the existing side effects ofContinue reading “this Halloween”

baseline resiliency

Today the ketamine infusion was ok, I only dissociated for the last 15 minutes but I laid there relaxed and listened to the music. I require an anesthetic-sized dose because my body rapidly metabolizes medicine, so i’m exhausted and out-of-it afterwards. We are currently starting the tapering process on TMS– today was treatment #30. NextContinue reading “baseline resiliency”

Partner of the Depressed

(Guest journal entry by Woody, one of my partners that lives with me.) The hardest thing about loving someone who is suffering from depression is the memories what they are like when they are healthy. When we see those of us closest to us hurting, we want to try everything we can think of toContinue reading “Partner of the Depressed”

and crash

I’m still on my anniversary trip. Jim just went for a bike ride which I encouraged because I know it makes him happy. As soon as he left I broke down in tears. How is it that I am basically holding it together by default and unable to identify that I’m crashing? Am I justContinue reading “and crash”

what you don’t see

I’m grateful for the ketamine infusion before our anniversary trip because it helps me feel stronger and more capable of battling my depression but it doesn’t just take a break when I get to. These smiles are genuine, I’m enjoying my trip with Jim. Nature hikes, fresh air, gift shopping, binge watching shows, laughing withContinue reading “what you don’t see”

depression + marriage

This morning Jim took me to get my TMS and ketamine infusion and afterwards we drove up north to a cabin near Pelican Lake to celebrate 7 years of being married. This trip is going to be a lot different from our other ones, but I know it will be just as good because heContinue reading “depression + marriage”

I made it through another day

This morning I tried to take a shower and I failed–I couldn’t muster up the energy it took to even turn on the water. Woody took me to my appointments this morning and Jim stayed home with the kids. I sobbed the entire 18 minutes of TMS– I really love my tech, she sat withContinue reading “I made it through another day”

no rest for the depressed

I wouldn’t wish hypnic jerking on anyone. I drank 2 cups of sleepy time tea, NyQuil, an over-the-counter sleep med, and my night meds and my body still could not relax enough to sleep. I was hoping a good night of sleep was going to help but as soon as I woke up my brainContinue reading “no rest for the depressed”

keep going..

My 90 minute ketamine infusion went really well last night— I felt immediate relief which doesn’t always happen. It felt different somehow, like more powerful? Today I’ve been focusing on showing up for myself, not pushing myself too hard and doing by best at taking it easy. My “taking it easy” today was returning somethingContinue reading “keep going..”