PTSd

i’m ready

This summer I’ve been discussing with my team at the ketamine clinic about switching my infusions from every week to every two weeks. This is a major deal because I’ve had weekly infusions for over two years and the thought of having them less used to send me into a panic. After my infusion todayContinue reading “i’m ready”

2021

It’s easy to reflect on the past year and think you haven’t accomplished much (especially during a pandemic), but as I am reading my journal from 2021, I can clearly see that I showed up for myself more than I ever have. I reconnected with my intuition, learned how to show up for myself, andContinue reading “2021”

struggling

Recently the people closest to me have been having to remind me that my feelings are valid, that I’m not alone in this struggle, they encourage me to stay fierce and show up for myself. I mean it when I say I have the most incredible people in my life. Because lately, it’s definitely beenContinue reading “struggling”

mental health awareness month

I’ve been struggling with writing a blog post about mental health awareness month because of my mental illness… oh the irony. Mental health matters, (make it a priority). Mental illness is invisible, (but it’s real). Ask for help, (it shows strength). You can heal from your trauma, (and you deserve to heal). Normalize taking medication,Continue reading “mental health awareness month”

rebuild

When I started getting ketamine infusions last fall, I was barely hanging onto my life. There were days when I needed help getting dressed before I could leave the house. During the infusions, either Jim or Woody would sit next to me, and I’d hold their hand while I dissociated for an hour. Every weekContinue reading “rebuild”

Trauma

I’ve cried so much today. This afternoon I had a panic attack and hid in my closet. My heart was beating rapidly, I couldn’t catch my breath, I was shaking and sweating. I alternated between feeling afraid, and feeling like I was detached from my body and watching it happen to me. I don’t chooseContinue reading “Trauma”

Trigger warning: sexual assault

Last week in therapy, I created a map with at least 10 separate experiences of sexual trauma. I was told at a young age that my dad was a rapist. I learned that sex was violent before it was beautiful. At 21, I was raped by someone I didn’t know. The cop first asked meContinue reading “Trigger warning: sexual assault”

Because you’re always sad?

One night this week during dinner, we were talking about how my three-year-old son Tucker is a lot like me (because he is sensitive and empathetic), and my 6 year old daughter said, “because you’re always sad?” It took my breath away. I knew that this was a teachable moment and my reaction was importantContinue reading “Because you’re always sad?”

Depression in 2020

Creating this video and sharing it is FAR outside of my comfort zone. But I think it’s important to show youthat depression is an invisible battle & it can look many different ways.You can’t always know what someone is going throughwith just a glance. Depression in 2020: weight loss. weight gain. tears. sobs. asking forContinue reading “Depression in 2020”

try

I’ve been listening to this song on repeat. I wish that you could see the pain that I’ve seenAnd all of the times I spent being not me I hope you know that it’s not always happy in my head‘Cause I don’t knowThe perfect road to go downBut I know I’m trying my bestI’m tryingContinue reading “try”

pause

This past week I’ve had pockets of happy in the sea of darkness that is in my head. It seems like I have unintentionally paused my life– I’m literally just trying to make it to the next day. I’m waiting, not living. The ketamine infusions keep me going, but it was becoming quickly obvious thatContinue reading “pause”

Trigger warning: rape I was drugged and raped by a friend’s friend at 21– I went through exposure therapy to help me with my PTSD a couple years afterwards and it even though it was excruciating, it was also life changing. There are things I can do now after that therapy that I wasn’t ableContinue reading “PTSD”