Trigger warning: rape

I was drugged and raped by a friend’s friend at 21– I went through exposure therapy to help me with my PTSD a couple years afterwards and it even though it was excruciating, it was also life changing. There are things I can do now after that therapy that I wasn’t able to before– being around crowds, tolerating people standing close but especially behind me, standing in lines… the list goes on, it really did change my life.

As you know, there are a lot of different rape drugs out there but the rape drug that was given to me made it so that I was unable to move my body or speak. Victims can remain awake but have chunks of memory missing. During exposure therapy, I was able to sort out the missing pieces and holes in my memory.

I found out during my individual therapy yesterday that my PTSD was being triggered during TMS when my doctor would come in during my TMS session to discuss medications with me. This is the same doctor that I feel completely dismisses me and doesn’t take my concerns seriously BUT I want to be very clear that my being triggered really has NOTHING to do with him, he is a decent person, just not the right doctor for me.

The issue is that during TMS I am experiecing some of the same symptoms–my head is literally strapped in and I cannot move my body, I can talk but only for 10 seconds at a time because when the zap comes, my body clenches. And when he is present, he stands on my side so I cannot actually see him, the machine usually has a fan going so I am unable to hear much at all. Thankfully, Taylor is there with me the entire time so I am never alone, and she does a great job and I can feel her support without words being spoken.

I’ve been in tears and filled with dread before most of my TMS appointments, inwardly freaking out while walking up to the clinic, crossing my fingers I do not run into him. It’s exhausting feeling like there is always a potential threat. I never want to go, but I push myself to do it anyways– I’m at week 6 and stopping now after all of that commitment would be something I’d regret the rest of my life even though I don’t feel like it is working yet.

I have emailed the doctor to ask him not to come inside the room while I am getting my treatment done. He has agreed to doing video conferences moving forward, although I am trying to push for email communication from now on. That being said, even an email triggers me and I start to panic. It’s unclear what is my treatment is going to look like since I am supposed to start tapering in 1-2 weeks. It might be longer because my brain is so stubborn and isn’t responding as quickly to the treatment.

Be well, be kind, vote.

One thought on “PTSD

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