When I started getting ketamine infusions last fall, I was barely hanging onto my life. There were days when I needed help getting dressed before I could leave the house. During the infusions, either Jim or Woody would sit next to me, and I’d hold their hand while I dissociated for an hour.
Every week I would hold onto their hand, feeling like I might break if I let go.
Earlier this year, in the middle of an infusion I looked at Woody and said, “I love you, and I love me,” and I took my hand back. Afterwards, we talked about how it’s okay to lean on people when we need to, and to stand on our own when we feel strong enough. Still, since then I have held myself instead.
Today Woody reached for my hand and, before I could think about it, I looked at him and said, “I’ve got this.”
My depression is still very present, but I am getting stronger. Ketamine infusions are keeping me going.
I break, and I rebuild. Over and over again.
Be well, be kind, you’ve got this.