Tag Archives: trauma

i’m ready

This summer I’ve been discussing with my team at the ketamine clinic about switching my infusions from every week to every two weeks. This is a major deal because I’ve had weekly infusions for over two years and the thought of having them less used to send me into a panic. After my infusion todayContinue reading “i’m ready”

2021

It’s easy to reflect on the past year and think you haven’t accomplished much (especially during a pandemic), but as I am reading my journal from 2021, I can clearly see that I showed up for myself more than I ever have. I reconnected with my intuition, learned how to show up for myself, andContinue reading “2021”

feeling anger

Why didn’t anyone tell me that anger is a valid way to express feelings? That it could be anger and safe at the same time? Why am I 35 and just learning this now? It feels like I have paused at this place in my healing, unable to continue on until I let myself genuinelyContinue reading “feeling anger”

Ketamine

Today I went from sobbing in bed in the afternoon, to swinging on our play-set with Tucker, and having a dance party with the girls in the evening. Why? Ketamine infusions. It’s more than that— it’s also weekly therapy, medication, support and encouragement from others, better sleep hygiene, and improving my relationship with food. ButContinue reading “Ketamine”

Know My Name

I preordered this book in 2019, and it’s been sitting on my shelf unread until this week. This memoir by Chanel Miller is a tough book to be motivated to pick up. Her story of being raped by Brock Turner, the brutal aftermath that victims are put through, the legal process, the deep violation.. it’sContinue reading “Know My Name”

crashing hard

For minutes I starred at my reflection in the mirror, watching tears roll down my face. I’m begging myself to be strong and just hold on. Thoughts of self harm have been popping in and out of my thoughts all day. Even suicidal ideation returned after being absent for a couple months. Trying to findContinue reading “crashing hard”

rebuild

When I started getting ketamine infusions last fall, I was barely hanging onto my life. There were days when I needed help getting dressed before I could leave the house. During the infusions, either Jim or Woody would sit next to me, and I’d hold their hand while I dissociated for an hour. Every weekContinue reading “rebuild”

floor

Woody asked me, “why are you laying on the floor?” I think I dissociated, I don’t remember how I got there. I’ve been fighting a war with my head + heart. And I think the weight of it all has caused me to collapse, again. I was healing, getting stronger. Now I feel like I’mContinue reading “floor”

tw: sexual assault

There has been a lot of talk about rape culture in my social media feeds and in the news this week. This month marks 14 years since I was raped. It wasn’t the first time I’ve been sexually assaulted, but it was the most scarring and it shook up my world terribly. His actions haveContinue reading “tw: sexual assault”

Trauma

I’ve cried so much today. This afternoon I had a panic attack and hid in my closet. My heart was beating rapidly, I couldn’t catch my breath, I was shaking and sweating. I alternated between feeling afraid, and feeling like I was detached from my body and watching it happen to me. I don’t chooseContinue reading “Trauma”

Trigger warning: sexual assault

Last week in therapy, I created a map with at least 10 separate experiences of sexual trauma. I was told at a young age that my dad was a rapist. I learned that sex was violent before it was beautiful. At 21, I was raped by someone I didn’t know. The cop first asked meContinue reading “Trigger warning: sexual assault”

Because you’re always sad?

One night this week during dinner, we were talking about how my three-year-old son Tucker is a lot like me (because he is sensitive and empathetic), and my 6 year old daughter said, “because you’re always sad?” It took my breath away. I knew that this was a teachable moment and my reaction was importantContinue reading “Because you’re always sad?”

try

I’ve been listening to this song on repeat. I wish that you could see the pain that I’ve seenAnd all of the times I spent being not me I hope you know that it’s not always happy in my head‘Cause I don’t knowThe perfect road to go downBut I know I’m trying my bestI’m tryingContinue reading “try”

Let’s talk about memory loss.

Why don’t we talk about the link between depression and memory loss/function? I struggle with memory loss, the majority of it is related to going through 5 ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy) treatments in August while I was hospitalized. I was informed this would happen, and at the time, my depression was so severe that I viewedContinue reading “Let’s talk about memory loss.”