floor

Woody asked me, “why are you laying on the floor?” I think I dissociated, I don’t remember how I got there. I’ve been fighting a war with my head + heart. And I think the weight of it all has caused me to collapse, again. I was healing, getting stronger. Now I feel like I’mContinue reading “floor”

Trauma

I’ve cried so much today. This afternoon I had a panic attack and hid in my closet. My heart was beating rapidly, I couldn’t catch my breath, I was shaking and sweating. I alternated between feeling afraid, and feeling like I was detached from my body and watching it happen to me. I don’t chooseContinue reading “Trauma”

Trigger warning: sexual assault

Last week in therapy, I created a map with at least 10 separate experiences of sexual trauma. I was told at a young age that my dad was a rapist. I learned that sex was violent before it was beautiful. At 21, I was raped by someone I didn’t know. The cop first asked meContinue reading “Trigger warning: sexual assault”

Because you’re always sad?

One night this week during dinner, we were talking about how my three-year-old son Tucker is a lot like me (because he is sensitive and empathetic), and my 6 year old daughter said, “because you’re always sad?” It took my breath away. I knew that this was a teachable moment and my reaction was importantContinue reading “Because you’re always sad?”

worth celebrating

I’m not big on New Years resolutions, especially because the majority of them revolve around diet culture, and that’s really triggering for me. But, there is satisfaction to be found in saying, “I fucking survived 2020” I didn’t know if I could make it, but I did. Even if I was dragging, crying and screaming…Continue reading “worth celebrating”

Depression in 2020

Depression in 2020: weight loss. weight gain.  tears. sobs.  asking for help.  feeling too much. feeling nothing at all.  therapy. doctor appointments. testing. days I could smile. days I put makeup on. deep exhaustion. treatment resistant depression.  one step forward. two steps back. inability to get out of bed. panic attacks. constant medication changes. side effects.Continue reading “Depression in 2020”

try

I’ve been listening to this song on repeat. I wish that you could see the pain that I’ve seenAnd all of the times I spent being not me I hope you know that it’s not always happy in my head‘Cause I don’t knowThe perfect road to go downBut I know I’m trying my bestI’m tryingContinue reading “try”

suicidal thoughts

Ketamine infusions have proven to be the most effective for treating my depressive episode. For most of the fall I was getting an infusion twice a week, but tried to space it out (because it’s expensive) to every 10 days, with the goal of getting it every 3 weeks. But as soon as I goContinue reading “suicidal thoughts”

keep going..

keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keepContinue reading “keep going..”

built for it

I’ve been trying to outrun my sadness. If I pause, I start to cry and my suicidal ideation gets scary. I am just so over today — my patience is thin, I’m irritable, my head hurts, the feeling of hopelessness is heavy. This year is brutal for everyone. I wasn’t ready for a fraction ofContinue reading “built for it”

I am healing but it’s taking so long.

It doesn’t seem like being alive is as hard for other people ask it is for me. It just feels like there’s some kind of secret to life I don’t know. Like I’m doing it all wrong. Glennon Doyle This is month 18 of my current depressive episode. Are you getting tired of reading aboutContinue reading “I am healing but it’s taking so long.”

pause

This past week I’ve had pockets of happy in the sea of darkness that is in my head. It seems like I have unintentionally paused my life– I’m literally just trying to make it to the next day. I’m waiting, not living. The ketamine infusions keep me going, but it was becoming quickly obvious thatContinue reading “pause”

shell of myself

I am burned out & depleted I desperately want to be in the moment & happy and carefree. Have sex or go hiking. Learn a new song or go to a bookstore. Actually be able to lose myself in a story. But I can’t find the capacity to carry on a conversation or go doContinue reading “shell of myself”

suicidal ideation

My depression has been LOUD the past 7 days. I’ve been mentally white-knuckling it, trying to fight it while being so fucking exhausted. My passive suicidal ideation has been debilitating all week. The truth is, even during my favorite time of year, I don’t always feel strongly about being alive. On the particularly bad days,Continue reading “suicidal ideation”

self-worth

When did I start thinking so little of myself? Tonight I had therapy with my partners. While they talked about their feelings, I was repeating this over and over to MYSELF: “you’re not worth it.” I’ve convinced myself on a very deep level that I’m not worth any effort. Medical bills & debt? I’m notContinue reading “self-worth”

test results

I received my neuro-psych results today– the two tests I took were the MMPI-2 and the MCMI IV. Jim and Woody took the ABCL to gauge symptoms and difficulties that they noticed. My primary diagnosis: Persistent Depressive Disorder with Persistent Major Depressive Episodes. This is also called Dysthymia. It’s basically long-term/chronic depression. The symptoms ofContinue reading “test results”

stress & sadness

Depression is bad again today. I’m still feeling uncomfortable inside my body— it feels like it doesn’t remember what normal is. Headache, stomach ache, swelling, muscle soreness. I’ve been sneaking away for a few minutes for the majority of the day so I can break down and cry. I’m anxious about this week. I’m alreadyContinue reading “stress & sadness”

TMS

Yesterday I had my last TMS appointment. I was so proud of myself— I had 37 treatments in just a couple months and it feels like a huge accomplishment. I did a little dance in the lobby. I’ve been reflecting on my TMS experience and I think the staff needs to be upfront with howContinue reading “TMS”