This summer I’ve been discussing with my team at the ketamine clinic about switching my infusions from every week to every two weeks. This is a major deal because I’ve had weekly infusions for over two years and the thought of having them less used to send me into a panic. After my infusion todayContinue reading “i’m ready”
Tag Archives: suicidal ideation
TMS is for fighters
My depression is not improving so I’m starting another round of TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation). Certain parts of your brain sort of stop working properly when you’re depressed. […] TMS sends electromagnetic pulses through your skull into specific parts of your brain and stimulates the part that isn’t working, like physical therapy for your brainContinue reading “TMS is for fighters”
2021
It’s easy to reflect on the past year and think you haven’t accomplished much (especially during a pandemic), but as I am reading my journal from 2021, I can clearly see that I showed up for myself more than I ever have. I reconnected with my intuition, learned how to show up for myself, andContinue reading “2021”
struggling
Recently the people closest to me have been having to remind me that my feelings are valid, that I’m not alone in this struggle, they encourage me to stay fierce and show up for myself. I mean it when I say I have the most incredible people in my life. Because lately, it’s definitely beenContinue reading “struggling”
Ketamine
Today I went from sobbing in bed in the afternoon, to swinging on our play-set with Tucker, and having a dance party with the girls in the evening. Why? Ketamine infusions. It’s more than that— it’s also weekly therapy, medication, support and encouragement from others, better sleep hygiene, and improving my relationship with food. ButContinue reading “Ketamine”
PHQ-9
This was taken one year ago today. It had been almost 4 months since I was hospitalized, I found a great new therapist, and changed my medications. I remember this day well; I had the lowest PHQ-9 score in over a year, and I felt hopeful that I was getting better. And then COVID hit,Continue reading “PHQ-9”
disabilities
It’s been a tough few days for my daughter. Wren has to wear braces due to her cerebral palsy and they have been giving her sores, so she hasn’t been wearing them since Friday. Yesterday she was crying at the playground out of frustration because she was unable keep up with her siblings who wereContinue reading “disabilities”
crashing hard
For minutes I starred at my reflection in the mirror, watching tears roll down my face. I’m begging myself to be strong and just hold on. Thoughts of self harm have been popping in and out of my thoughts all day. Even suicidal ideation returned after being absent for a couple months. Trying to findContinue reading “crashing hard”
floor
Woody asked me, “why are you laying on the floor?” I think I dissociated, I don’t remember how I got there. I’ve been fighting a war with my head + heart. And I think the weight of it all has caused me to collapse, again. I was healing, getting stronger. Now I feel like I’mContinue reading “floor”
Trauma
I’ve cried so much today. This afternoon I had a panic attack and hid in my closet. My heart was beating rapidly, I couldn’t catch my breath, I was shaking and sweating. I alternated between feeling afraid, and feeling like I was detached from my body and watching it happen to me. I don’t chooseContinue reading “Trauma”
Trigger warning: sexual assault
Last week in therapy, I created a map with at least 10 separate experiences of sexual trauma. I was told at a young age that my dad was a rapist. I learned that sex was violent before it was beautiful. At 21, I was raped by someone I didn’t know. The cop first asked meContinue reading “Trigger warning: sexual assault”
Because you’re always sad?
One night this week during dinner, we were talking about how my three-year-old son Tucker is a lot like me (because he is sensitive and empathetic), and my 6 year old daughter said, “because you’re always sad?” It took my breath away. I knew that this was a teachable moment and my reaction was importantContinue reading “Because you’re always sad?”
worth celebrating
I’m not big on New Years resolutions, especially because the majority of them revolve around diet culture, and that’s really triggering for me. But, there is satisfaction to be found in saying, “I fucking survived 2020” I didn’t know if I could make it, but I did. Even if I was dragging, crying and screaming…Continue reading “worth celebrating”
Depression in 2020
Creating this video and sharing it is FAR outside of my comfort zone. But I think it’s important to show youthat depression is an invisible battle & it can look many different ways.You can’t always know what someone is going throughwith just a glance. Depression in 2020: weight loss. weight gain. tears. sobs. asking forContinue reading “Depression in 2020”
try
I’ve been listening to this song on repeat. I wish that you could see the pain that I’ve seenAnd all of the times I spent being not me I hope you know that it’s not always happy in my head‘Cause I don’t knowThe perfect road to go downBut I know I’m trying my bestI’m tryingContinue reading “try”
less like drowning
9 pages in my new journal tonight. I’m not under any illusion that 2021 is going to be easier for me, but hopefully it will feel less like drowning.
suicidal thoughts
Ketamine infusions have proven to be the most effective for treating my depressive episode. For most of the fall I was getting an infusion twice a week, but tried to space it out (because it’s expensive) to every 10 days, with the goal of getting it every 3 weeks. But as soon as I goContinue reading “suicidal thoughts”
keep going..
keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keepContinue reading “keep going..”
built for it
I’ve been trying to outrun my sadness. If I pause, I start to cry and my suicidal ideation gets scary. I am just so over today — my patience is thin, I’m irritable, my head hurts, the feeling of hopelessness is heavy. This year is brutal for everyone. I wasn’t ready for a fraction ofContinue reading “built for it”
I am healing but it’s taking so long.
It doesn’t seem like being alive is as hard for other people ask it is for me. It just feels like there’s some kind of secret to life I don’t know. Like I’m doing it all wrong. Glennon Doyle This is month 18 of my current depressive episode. Are you getting tired of reading aboutContinue reading “I am healing but it’s taking so long.”
i will grow from this 