Depression in 2020

Depression in 2020: weight loss. weight gain.  tears. sobs.  asking for help.  feeling too much. feeling nothing at all.  therapy. doctor appointments. testing. days I could smile. days I put makeup on. deep exhaustion. treatment resistant depression.  one step forward. two steps back. inability to get out of bed. panic attacks. constant medication changes. side effects.Continue reading “Depression in 2020”

keep going..

keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keepContinue reading “keep going..”

insomnia + suicidal ideation

Last night my daughter woke up around 1:00am and I couldn’t fall back asleep for a couple hours thanks to my insomnia. I haven’t done any research on insomnia + suicidal ideation but there appears to be a strong connection for me and it was very scary last night. I was overwhelmed with frustration thatContinue reading “insomnia + suicidal ideation”

Suicidal Ideation

Today has been really, really difficult. I tried to hold it together so I could get through Wren’s schooling and a visit from her PT and OT. As soon as that was over my suicidal ideation became this huge weight on me paired with the desire to self harm. My eating disorder is fighting toContinue reading “Suicidal Ideation”

Time for rest

Today was powered by lots of coffee. I am exhausted—Wren’s tight school schedule, her new wheelchair being delivered, rushed errands that needed to be done. All before my treatments that started at 3:00. TMS and a prolonged ketamine infusion that was weird and very difficult to explain. I do have a lot of ketamine inContinue reading “Time for rest”

Trigger warning: self harm, suicide

Tonight was scary. Either Jim or Woody drive me to my daily appointments because either my suicidal ideation is strong, I’m getting a ketamine infusion, or I’m just too mentally exhausted. I was particularly fragile today and because I was upset about something at home, I was stubborn and drove myself. On the way toContinue reading “Trigger warning: self harm, suicide”