insomnia + suicidal ideation

Last night my daughter woke up around 1:00am and I couldn’t fall back asleep for a couple hours thanks to my insomnia. I haven’t done any research on insomnia + suicidal ideation but there appears to be a strong connection for me and it was very scary last night.

I was overwhelmed with frustration that I couldn’t go back to sleep— I was also so lonely, and not in the way introverts like me tend to love. It felt like it would have been really easy to kill myself while everyone was sleeping and the urge was stronger than I want to admit.

One of my partners was struggling with some trauma yesterday and as an empath, it was exhausting feeling and carrying that energy AND trying to suppress my depression AND make the day special for the kids. I went to bed at 7:00. Today hasn’t been any easier.

I feel like I’m living in the body of a 90 year old— the benzo withdrawal and cleaning like a maniac for 3 hours non-stop today so I wasn’t alone with my emotions for too long. I know my depression is going to catch up with me soon and I’m scared of the crash.

Be well, be kind, vote.

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