This summer I’ve been discussing with my team at the ketamine clinic about switching my infusions from every week to every two weeks. This is a major deal because I’ve had weekly infusions for over two years and the thought of having them less used to send me into a panic. After my infusion todayContinue reading “i’m ready”
Tag Archives: medication
brighter days
If you follow me on social media, you’ve likely noticed that my smile is bigger, I’m saying yes more, I’m enjoying and showing up for the people I love, picking my hobbies back up, making new friends, keeping busy— finally feeling more like a participant in my own life rather than an observer. January-May wasContinue reading “brighter days”
TMS is for fighters
My depression is not improving so I’m starting another round of TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation). Certain parts of your brain sort of stop working properly when you’re depressed. […] TMS sends electromagnetic pulses through your skull into specific parts of your brain and stimulates the part that isn’t working, like physical therapy for your brainContinue reading “TMS is for fighters”
2021
It’s easy to reflect on the past year and think you haven’t accomplished much (especially during a pandemic), but as I am reading my journal from 2021, I can clearly see that I showed up for myself more than I ever have. I reconnected with my intuition, learned how to show up for myself, andContinue reading “2021”
struggling
Recently the people closest to me have been having to remind me that my feelings are valid, that I’m not alone in this struggle, they encourage me to stay fierce and show up for myself. I mean it when I say I have the most incredible people in my life. Because lately, it’s definitely beenContinue reading “struggling”
Ketamine
Today I went from sobbing in bed in the afternoon, to swinging on our play-set with Tucker, and having a dance party with the girls in the evening. Why? Ketamine infusions. It’s more than that— it’s also weekly therapy, medication, support and encouragement from others, better sleep hygiene, and improving my relationship with food. ButContinue reading “Ketamine”
mental health awareness month
I’ve been struggling with writing a blog post about mental health awareness month because of my mental illness… oh the irony. Mental health matters, (make it a priority). Mental illness is invisible, (but it’s real). Ask for help, (it shows strength). You can heal from your trauma, (and you deserve to heal). Normalize taking medication,Continue reading “mental health awareness month”
disabilities
It’s been a tough few days for my daughter. Wren has to wear braces due to her cerebral palsy and they have been giving her sores, so she hasn’t been wearing them since Friday. Yesterday she was crying at the playground out of frustration because she was unable keep up with her siblings who wereContinue reading “disabilities”
Depression in 2020
Creating this video and sharing it is FAR outside of my comfort zone. But I think it’s important to show youthat depression is an invisible battle & it can look many different ways.You can’t always know what someone is going throughwith just a glance. Depression in 2020: weight loss. weight gain. tears. sobs. asking forContinue reading “Depression in 2020”
Let’s talk about memory loss.
Why don’t we talk about the link between depression and memory loss/function? I struggle with memory loss, the majority of it is related to going through 5 ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy) treatments in August while I was hospitalized. I was informed this would happen, and at the time, my depression was so severe that I viewedContinue reading “Let’s talk about memory loss.”
suicidal thoughts
Ketamine infusions have proven to be the most effective for treating my depressive episode. For most of the fall I was getting an infusion twice a week, but tried to space it out (because it’s expensive) to every 10 days, with the goal of getting it every 3 weeks. But as soon as I goContinue reading “suicidal thoughts”
pause
This past week I’ve had pockets of happy in the sea of darkness that is in my head. It seems like I have unintentionally paused my life– I’m literally just trying to make it to the next day. I’m waiting, not living. The ketamine infusions keep me going, but it was becoming quickly obvious thatContinue reading “pause”
self-preservation
After feeling my emotions so intensely for so long, I’ve recently started to feel kind of numb… but not in a negative way, more of a self-preservation way. I’m trying to keep things simple and avoid deep processing anything. I’ve been working on getting back to basic self care– keeping up with personal hygiene, gettingContinue reading “self-preservation”
recovery is not a race.
Today has been a down day. It’s been over 24 hours since I took my last anti-depressant (I had to stop taking it because of side effects). I’ve caught myself staring at the walls a few times. It’s hard to ignore how long I’ve been fighting this current depressive episode. It’s easy to fall intoContinue reading “recovery is not a race.”
TMS
Yesterday I had my last TMS appointment. I was so proud of myself— I had 37 treatments in just a couple months and it feels like a huge accomplishment. I did a little dance in the lobby. I’ve been reflecting on my TMS experience and I think the staff needs to be upfront with howContinue reading “TMS”
surviving distance learning
This morning I couldn’t get out of bed until after 10:00 and that was by Woody physically dragging me out. Distance learning with Wren (6) is going to break me. She is such a special and spirited kid and I love her fiercely but she fights me on everything. I’m trying to extend compassion toContinue reading “surviving distance learning”
ER visit
I am so uncomfortable in my body. I stopped taking my benzodiazepine a week ago and have been struggling with GI issues since. Today my stomach hurt whenever I touched it and I was short of breath and sweaty whenever I walked around. I went to the ER at 1:00pm. I was having a mildContinue reading “ER visit”
anxiety
It’s been awhile since I’ve felt this level of anxiety– I can barely type or think complete thoughts. The election is causing everyone anxiety but I have other things weighing on me too. The clinic where I get my TMS and ketamine treatments done has a patient that tested positive for COVID-19 and it’s beenContinue reading “anxiety”
insomnia + suicidal ideation
Last night my daughter woke up around 1:00am and I couldn’t fall back asleep for a couple hours thanks to my insomnia. I haven’t done any research on insomnia + suicidal ideation but there appears to be a strong connection for me and it was very scary last night. I was overwhelmed with frustration thatContinue reading “insomnia + suicidal ideation”
pretending
Happy Halloween 🎃 I had to do a lot of pretending to get through the day so that my kids could enjoy the holiday. My friend Patrick stopped by with a chai and gift for me and a bag of goodies for the kids. One of my besties, Bath-Sheba came over with her little oneContinue reading “pretending”
i will grow from this 