I am so uncomfortable in my body. I stopped taking my benzodiazepine a week ago and have been struggling with GI issues since. Today my stomach hurt whenever I touched it and I was short of breath and sweaty whenever I walked around.
I went to the ER at 1:00pm. I was having a mild anxiety attack while I was waiting to be called back and I was thankful Woody was with me. A nurse named Asia triaged me while I was sobbing— she and her mom also struggle with mental illness and she was so supportive and validated how difficult it was to withdrawal from a benzodiazepine and battle MI.
After we were assigned a bed, the doctor came in and I barely felt heard, it was like she stopped listening to me as soon as she labeled me a Covid risk then transferred me into a different section of the hospital and made Woody leave the because of the increase in Covid numbers.
My new doctor was much more compassionate and could tell I was really struggling so she ordered lots of tests — CT for my abdomen, chest X-RAY, EKG, blood work, urinalysis, COVID test— nothing was abnormal. Obviously it’s a relief to hear that my organs are healthy and there was nothing acutely wrong with me. She really emphasized that just because nothing showed up on the tests doesn’t mean that nothing is going on and that mental health can take a toll on your physiology.
I got home at 6:30 and am feeling pretty depressed. I know I’ve put my body through a lot this year — ECT, TMS, starting and stopping numerous medications, stress — but I just feel like I can’t catch a break. It feels like a game of ping pong between my mental and physical health. I was starting to see an improvement in my depression, and then I wean off of a medication and I’m hit with multiple physical symptoms.
When you battle an invisible illness, it is very easy to feel discouraged because it feels like I always have to prove how unwell I am. I basically have to always communicate how I’m feeling and you need to trust that I’m telling you the truth, and when you’re depressed, your brain is telling you that no one believes you. I know that I will fight for my health in ways a lot of people will never see or fully understand and it’s not easy.
Lastly, I just want to say that I understand the measures that were taken to decrease the possible risk of exposure to Covid. I appreciate all of the people that I encountered today and that work in health care overall. It was just a frustrating process.
Be well, be kind