suicidal thoughts

Ketamine infusions have proven to be the most effective for treating my depressive episode. For most of the fall I was getting an infusion twice a week, but tried to space it out (because it’s expensive) to every 10 days, with the goal of getting it every 3 weeks. But as soon as I go past 7 days, the darkness returns and I become consumed with passive suicidal ideation.

Yesterday I cried all day— not just tears streaming down my face but full out sobs. My eyes were swollen and blood shot. I felt panicked. I entertained the suicidal thoughts and tried picturing what my little kids’ lives would look like without me—It was brutal.

At night my partners were holding me as I was sobbing, and I told them that I wasn’t going to be able to make it to Christmas. I felt like I was dying. So Woody contacted our nurse Danielle, and she was able to fit us for an infusion at 12:30.

Suicidal ideation doesn’t mean I am actively trying to kill myself. These are examples of the thoughts that consume me when I’m in this headspace:

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I hope tomorrow I can wake up feeling a little lighter. As for now, I’m feeling stronger.

Be well, be kind, ask for help.