Category Archives: medication

tapering & withdrawl

I’ve known for awhile now that Klonopin (aka clonazepam) wasn’t the right drug for me based on side effects. I communicated my concerns to my doctor and was brushed off. When Woody backed me up a couple weeks later, my doctor said ok. This will be a LONG process, and anyone who has gone throughContinue reading “tapering & withdrawl”

and crash

I’m still on my anniversary trip. Jim just went for a bike ride which I encouraged because I know it makes him happy. As soon as he left I broke down in tears. How is it that I am basically holding it together by default and unable to identify that I’m crashing? Am I justContinue reading “and crash”

what you don’t see

I’m grateful for the ketamine infusion before our anniversary trip because it helps me feel stronger and more capable of battling my depression but it doesn’t just take a break when I get to. These smiles are genuine, I’m enjoying my trip with Jim. Nature hikes, fresh air, gift shopping, binge watching shows, laughing withContinue reading “what you don’t see”

trigger warning: eating disorder

I’ve battled eating disorders since middle school and if you have one or know of someone who does, it isn’t something that can just go away. I know many alcoholics and recovery isn’t easy for them either and I am not trying to imply that— but you can choose to not be around alcohol whenContinue reading “trigger warning: eating disorder”

depression + marriage

This morning Jim took me to get my TMS and ketamine infusion and afterwards we drove up north to a cabin near Pelican Lake to celebrate 7 years of being married. This trip is going to be a lot different from our other ones, but I know it will be just as good because heContinue reading “depression + marriage”

female bullshit

This morning I drove myself to Planned Parenthood to get my IUD removed and it was the second time since I almost drove myself off the road 2 weeks ago. Some studies have found that women using the Mirena (hormonal IUD) were more likely show signs of depression and anxiety. Also, I have period-like crampingContinue reading “female bullshit”

Dos and Don’ts

Not all depression is created equal. Not all depressive episodes are the same. One good day does not mean we’re in remission. Assuming that we are depressed because we aren’t trying hard enough or are lazy is hurtful. We don’t need to look depressed for it to matter. Depression is INVISIBLE — we are strugglingContinue reading “Dos and Don’ts”

no rest for the depressed

I wouldn’t wish hypnic jerking on anyone. I drank 2 cups of sleepy time tea, NyQuil, an over-the-counter sleep med, and my night meds and my body still could not relax enough to sleep. I was hoping a good night of sleep was going to help but as soon as I woke up my brainContinue reading “no rest for the depressed”

World Mental Health Day

Happy(?) World Mental Health Day. I’ve been trying to come up with something inspiring, something helpful, some good news–I went for a hike, drank chai while I walked around the bookstore, had lunch with my partner, spent time with my three year old– literally using every skill I have to keep myself going including repeatingContinue reading “World Mental Health Day”

keep going..

My 90 minute ketamine infusion went really well last night— I felt immediate relief which doesn’t always happen. It felt different somehow, like more powerful? Today I’ve been focusing on showing up for myself, not pushing myself too hard and doing by best at taking it easy. My “taking it easy” today was returning somethingContinue reading “keep going..”

Care Package from Katie M.

Thank you Katie, I cannot express how much this means to me. Today I have TMS and a Ketamine infusion.

Crash

I chopped off most of my hair today thinking it would be fun and make me feel beautiful again. I have been feeling so very unattractive— lots of weight gain because of my medications and zero energy to exercise outside of the house. My eating disorder patterns have been triggered, but so far I’ve beenContinue reading “Crash”

Time for rest

Today was powered by lots of coffee. I am exhausted—Wren’s tight school schedule, her new wheelchair being delivered, rushed errands that needed to be done. All before my treatments that started at 3:00. TMS and a prolonged ketamine infusion that was weird and very difficult to explain. I do have a lot of ketamine inContinue reading “Time for rest”

Hard to live

Just another day of me crying through my TMS. Why is it so hard for me to live? I’m not blind to my privilege ( I’m white, have health insurance, food and housing, people who love me) which makes me feel even more guilty. I’m sure these blog posts are becoming redundant but I guessContinue reading “Hard to live”