World Mental Health Day

Happy(?) World Mental Health Day. I’ve been trying to come up with something inspiring, something helpful, some good news–I went for a hike, drank chai while I walked around the bookstore, had lunch with my partner, spent time with my three year old– literally using every skill I have to keep myself going including repeating my mantras.

Here is the real truth: I crashed SO HARD today that I feel like I’m almost unrecognizable. So hard that I just want to say fuck it to therapy, TMS, ketamine, medications, just…everything. Literally thousands of dollars and time being invested in me and I still crash like this!? Fighting day after day, month after month– is fucking excruciating and I CAN’T EVER STOP.

I wrote this last year in my journal and thought it may be helpful for others to understand:

What depression feels like:

• Like dementors — sucking our the best and happiest memories.
• Thought processes are slowed down by a pressure pushing you down and holding you back, having go work twice as hard to do a normal task.
• A void that sucks in all your thoughts of being capable, worthwhile, and lovable, and replaces them with crushing fear and failure.
• Feeling hollow but heavy.
• Absolute exhaustion. Every movement needs to be carefully considered and relayed to your body and yet even the act of thinking is exhausting.
• A constant fear of destroying everyone and everything I love for my selfish choices.
• Like nothing is ever going to be right, because I am always wrong, whatever I do, or think, or am.
• A distance between you and the world without any tangible future.
• Like someone is inside my head shouting at me and telling me I’m worthless 24 hours a day.

To my fellow friends and followers: Your mental illness is not who you are & it is not your fault. You didn’t ask for this & you don’t deserve it. IT’S OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY. You’re not alone.