Crash

I chopped off most of my hair today thinking it would be fun and make me feel beautiful again. I have been feeling so very unattractive— lots of weight gain because of my medications and zero energy to exercise outside of the house. My eating disorder patterns have been triggered, but so far I’ve been successful at fending it off. I do like my haircut but it did not have the desired effect.

The benefits from the ketamine infusion on Friday lasted until today. Yesterday I spent the day at my moms, today I was able to go on a hike with Jim and the kids in the woods which is normally one of my favorite hobbies. But because of my depression I haven’t done it all year, so this suggests that I am slowly climbing out of this depressive episode. 🤞

And then I pushed myself too hard— running errands, deep cleaning and organizing the house, prioritizing time with Jim because he’s going to be really busy for the next week, and trying to connect with Lucy (my bonus kid) because she is struggling. I broke down in tears because I couldn’t do all of the things I thought I’d be able to do + include feeling like I am disappointing people and it makes me crash fast.

The thing that people don’t understand about severe/major depression is that it isn’t about strength or willpower— we can’t just bulldoze through our depressive thoughts, think positive, and keep going business as usual. It debilitated us, renders us powerless, and it’s difficult to get back up again.