Parenting – i will grow from this

and crash

I’m still on my anniversary trip. Jim just went for a bike ride which I encouraged because I know it makes him happy. As soon as he left I broke down in tears. How is it that I am basically holding it together by default and unable to identify that I’m crashing? Am I justContinue reading “and crash”

I made it through another day

This morning I tried to take a shower and I failed–I couldn’t muster up the energy it took to even turn on the water. Woody took me to my appointments this morning and Jim stayed home with the kids. I sobbed the entire 18 minutes of TMS– I really love my tech, she sat withContinue reading “I made it through another day”

no rest for the depressed

I wouldn’t wish hypnic jerking on anyone. I drank 2 cups of sleepy time tea, NyQuil, an over-the-counter sleep med, and my night meds and my body still could not relax enough to sleep. I was hoping a good night of sleep was going to help but as soon as I woke up my brainContinue reading “no rest for the depressed”

Crash

I chopped off most of my hair today thinking it would be fun and make me feel beautiful again. I have been feeling so very unattractive— lots of weight gain because of my medications and zero energy to exercise outside of the house. My eating disorder patterns have been triggered, but so far I’ve beenContinue reading “Crash”

Big Day

Today was a pretty big day for me. Danielle wanted to try something new because the regular infusions were only giving me about 48 hours of relief at best. She prescribed a patch called Scopolamine which normally used to help with nausea– I think it was accidentally discovered that it makes the benefit of ketamineContinue reading “Big Day”

This is what matters

I often feel as if I’m failing my children. Yesterday my three-year-old saw me crying in bed and told Jim that my brain is sick and I need to go to the hospital. This morning I struggled to get my six-year-old to do her homework and ended up back in bed sobbing because I wasContinue reading “This is what matters”

Hold it together

I felt ok this morning, excited to share the news about TMS. Then I took Wren to get Botox injections on her arms, legs, and foot, which requires her to be under nitrous. I hold her hand and put on a brave face so she can remain calm. After the appointment was over, we rushedContinue reading “Hold it together”

Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts

Here are the unglamorous parts of depression that I was experiencing yesterday: A LOT of crying, for hours. My 6 year old bringing me a box of tissues, telling me it’s going to be okay. Of course it’s sweet but I hate it that my 6 year old is the one comforting ME. Dropping theContinue reading “Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts”

Treatment resistant depression

I woke up at 6:30 with my three-year-old, and snuggled him on the couch, 30 minutes later my six-year-old woke up and joined her brother on my lap while we watched paw patrol. My little ones can be so very sweet, telling me that they love me multiple times a day, or like my sonContinue reading “Treatment resistant depression”

7th infusion

Yesterday I had another infusion. And the ketamine helped again, SO quickly. A week ago I was desperate to end my life, and now thanks to infusions—I’m able to not only get out of bed, but out of the house.

Through her eyes

I’m overwhelmed with everything I need to keep track of and my memory is working against me ( because of ECT). I tried to sneak into my room to cry but my little Wren followed me and laid next to me and said, “you’re the best mommy ever” and this is the absolute last thingContinue reading “Through her eyes”