This morning I tried to take a shower and I failed–I couldn’t muster up the energy it took to even turn on the water. Woody took me to my appointments this morning and Jim stayed home with the kids. I sobbed the entire 18 minutes of TMS– I really love my tech, she sat with me and supplied me with tissues as I needed them. At 12:00 I had an infusion with Danielle, and I continued crying until I started to dissociate.
As I often mention, is difficult to describe what happens/where I go when I disassociate. This time it felt like I was going on a beautiful tour of my comment section from this blog, from facebook, instagram, messenger, texts… It was as though I was re-reading them in a very meaningful way.
This morning I asked my good friend Tanya why I should live. With her permission, I’m going to share what she told me.
You should live. Your future self deserves it. Your present self is worthy and deserves it too. There is so much joy left to be had in your life. It’s there and you will feel it. Depression is telling you otherwise. Don’t listen to it’s lies. You definitely don’t deserve to go through what you are going through. That makes it so hard. But you absolutely do deserve those joyful moments that will come throughout and after as well. You should live to watch your beautiful children grow up. You are the mother they need and will always love. You are teaching them so much about persistence and love. You deserve to see them grow up. I Love you so much.
Thank you Tanya, I really needed to hear all of that. ❤
I felt a little stronger after. When I got home, I hugged Wren as hard as I could and told her how proud I was of her. I took a long nap since I only slept about 4 hours last night. After Jim got home from work we walked to our neighborhood playground.
I was able to take a shower when we got home– I turn off all of the lights, and turn on my phone flashlight and point it towards the ceiling. It helps me calm all of my senses and makes my showers much more peaceful.
Be kind, be well. xo