Support – i will grow from this

and crash

I’m still on my anniversary trip. Jim just went for a bike ride which I encouraged because I know it makes him happy. As soon as he left I broke down in tears. How is it that I am basically holding it together by default and unable to identify that I’m crashing? Am I justContinue reading “and crash”

what you don’t see

I’m grateful for the ketamine infusion before our anniversary trip because it helps me feel stronger and more capable of battling my depression but it doesn’t just take a break when I get to. These smiles are genuine, I’m enjoying my trip with Jim. Nature hikes, fresh air, gift shopping, binge watching shows, laughing withContinue reading “what you don’t see”

depression + marriage

This morning Jim took me to get my TMS and ketamine infusion and afterwards we drove up north to a cabin near Pelican Lake to celebrate 7 years of being married. This trip is going to be a lot different from our other ones, but I know it will be just as good because heContinue reading “depression + marriage”

I made it through another day

This morning I tried to take a shower and I failed–I couldn’t muster up the energy it took to even turn on the water. Woody took me to my appointments this morning and Jim stayed home with the kids. I sobbed the entire 18 minutes of TMS– I really love my tech, she sat withContinue reading “I made it through another day”

Dos and Don’ts

Not all depression is created equal. Not all depressive episodes are the same. One good day does not mean we’re in remission. Assuming that we are depressed because we aren’t trying hard enough or are lazy is hurtful. We don’t need to look depressed for it to matter. Depression is INVISIBLE — we are strugglingContinue reading “Dos and Don’ts”

Fridays are hard.

We’ve noticed a pattern that starts on Thursdays– I start to feel anxious and usually just chalk it up to being tired from the long week and TMS, but as soon as I wake up on Friday my heart just starts racing because I know that if I crash, I won’t be able to seeContinue reading “Fridays are hard.”

Care Package from Katie M.

Thank you Katie, I cannot express how much this means to me. Today I have TMS and a Ketamine infusion.

Suicidal Ideation

Today has been really, really difficult. I tried to hold it together so I could get through Wren’s schooling and a visit from her PT and OT. As soon as that was over my suicidal ideation became this huge weight on me paired with the desire to self harm. My eating disorder is fighting toContinue reading “Suicidal Ideation”

Crash

I chopped off most of my hair today thinking it would be fun and make me feel beautiful again. I have been feeling so very unattractive— lots of weight gain because of my medications and zero energy to exercise outside of the house. My eating disorder patterns have been triggered, but so far I’ve beenContinue reading “Crash”

Keep going.

Woody sent me this tonight and it really meant a lot to me. Today was the first day in months I’ve been on my own with the kids because Woody is up north and Jim was at work. I’m still feeling wiped out and inpatient with the kids. I would have stayed in bed allContinue reading “Keep going.”

Time for rest

Today was powered by lots of coffee. I am exhausted—Wren’s tight school schedule, her new wheelchair being delivered, rushed errands that needed to be done. All before my treatments that started at 3:00. TMS and a prolonged ketamine infusion that was weird and very difficult to explain. I do have a lot of ketamine inContinue reading “Time for rest”

Thank you

I truly appreciate the kindness of everyone who has reached out, donated, and sent cards and gifts. I especially appreciate quick daily messages from you asking if i’m doing okay, and those of you who comment on my blog and facebook posts. And as a reminder– there are no perfect words– just knowing that you’reContinue reading “Thank you”

This is what matters

I often feel as if I’m failing my children. Yesterday my three-year-old saw me crying in bed and told Jim that my brain is sick and I need to go to the hospital. This morning I struggled to get my six-year-old to do her homework and ended up back in bed sobbing because I wasContinue reading “This is what matters”

Thoughtfulness

I wish I could tell you that I’m still feeling wonderful, but the suicidal ideation is back. Woody and I sat in bed crying and holding each other— we’re both scared. I don’t know how I can get through TMS when my depression is this severe. Even with a phenomenal team of doctors, therapists, andContinue reading “Thoughtfulness”

Words from my husband

I don’t have the perspective of either of my partners on what it’s like to love someone with a mental illness. I am always questioning why in the hell they still stay with me when I feel emotionally paralyzed, but I am so grateful they do. Jim is a phenomenal writer and he shared thisContinue reading “Words from my husband”