Today has been really, really difficult. I tried to hold it together so I could get through Wren’s schooling and a visit from her PT and OT. As soon as that was over my suicidal ideation became this huge weight on me paired with the desire to self harm. My eating disorder is fighting to take over, my insomnia was bad last night.
The only thing keeping me out of the hospital is my ketamine infusions— tomorrow is my next appointment.
I’m scared, my thoughts get very dark and I never want to say them aloud. I found this on Instagram which is helpful because on days like today, I can’t explain it, but I need to be heard.
i will grow from this 
I hope today is an easier day.
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It can feel impossible to believe in any future happiness when we are stone-struck by our present pain and hurt; please know that the power to enjoy the beautiful life you’ve created for yourself will return again someday.
I hope you don’t mind if I offer an idea for you to consider: You might try mapping out a timeline of your life in years or episodes of highs and lows to help gain a little perspective of how major/seemingly minor events have impacted your thoughts and overall moods in the past as well as giving you a concrete idea of timing for how long it can take for hard times to resolve and how these shifts/changes come around. Photographs can be useful for this exercise, too, as it seems to me your a visual person 🙂 Just an idea from my toolbox that I know has been v. helpful to me when I’ve experienced similarly devastating lows.
So much love, Cassie! I’m rooting for you.
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That’s a lovely idea— I would love to try it but need some energy first.
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