Here are the unglamorous parts of depression that I was experiencing yesterday:
- A LOT of crying, for hours.
- My 6 year old bringing me a box of tissues, telling me it’s going to be okay. Of course it’s sweet but I hate it that my 6 year old is the one comforting ME.
- Dropping the littles off at my mom’s so Woody could take me to my ketamine infusion.
- More crying on the way to the appointment.
- Thinking about how much easier it would be for my family if I wasn’t here.
- Arriving at the appointment trying to hold back the tears in my eyes, getting the infusion set up, and sobbing again.
- Woody said the four things I kept repeating to him during the infusion were:
- Why is this so hard?
- I want to be a good mom.
- I’m hurting so much.
- I’m sorry I’m hurting you.
- Danielle was able to get Dr. Sawyer to stop in after the infusion to talk about starting TMS but that it will likely take weeks before I notice a change.
- I feel like he doesn’t like me because my brain is so fucking complicated.
- Thinking ketamine was no longer an option because I wasn’t able to dissociate.
- Feeling hopeless that this wonderful tool we thought was the answer stopped working. (This is not completely accurate).
- At the end of the infusion I told Woody that I didn’t want to fight my mental illness anymore.
- I had to ask Woody to hide all of my pills because I was feeling suicidal.
- Thinking Wren and Tuck would be in good hands with my family if I chose to end my life. Thinking I keep falling short.
- Crying during my therapy session. I had to have Woody sit in for the first half to help explain the past week because I couldn’t recall all of the details and the thought of it was exhausting.
- Felt scared about having used all of the go fund me money for ketamine. Going back and forth about restarting the fundraiser.
- Feeling like I’m not worth it.
- Taking a shower because it had been awhile.. Woody had to wash my hair for me as I pressed my forehead on the shower wall and cried.
- Sat on my bed wearing a towel and having zero energy to get dressed, so Jim had to dress me in my PJS.
- Wren came to say goodnight to me and kissed me on the forehead telling me it will all be okay.
- So so so much guilt that in 24 hours we have spent $800 to help give me a boost, when we should be paying off our debt because we are trying to buy a house.
- strong urges to end my life because the hopelessness was taking over.
- Considering doing ECT again because the results are faster but the memory loss was scary.
This morning I’ve felt a tiny fraction better. I have another infusion at 4:00 tonight. We hired a babysitter this morning so I could rest.
If you want to donate: http://gf.me/u/yssbrr