Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts

Here are the unglamorous parts of depression that I was experiencing yesterday:

  • A LOT of crying, for hours.
  • My 6 year old bringing me a box of tissues, telling me it’s going to be okay. Of course it’s sweet but I hate it that my 6 year old is the one comforting ME.
  • Dropping the littles off at my mom’s so Woody could take me to my ketamine infusion.
  • More crying on the way to the appointment.
  • Thinking about how much easier it would be for my family if I wasn’t here.
  • Arriving at the appointment trying to hold back the tears in my eyes, getting the infusion set up, and sobbing again.
  • Woody said the four things I kept repeating to him during the infusion were:
    • Why is this so hard?
    • I want to be a good mom.
    • I’m hurting so much.
    • I’m sorry I’m hurting you.
  • Danielle was able to get Dr. Sawyer to stop in after the infusion to talk about starting TMS but that it will likely take weeks before I notice a change.
  • I feel like he doesn’t like me because my brain is so fucking complicated.
  • Thinking ketamine was no longer an option because I wasn’t able to dissociate.
  • Feeling hopeless that this wonderful tool we thought was the answer stopped working. (This is not completely accurate).
  • At the end of the infusion I told Woody that I didn’t want to fight my mental illness anymore.
  • I had to ask Woody to hide all of my pills because I was feeling suicidal.
  • Thinking Wren and Tuck would be in good hands with my family if I chose to end my life. Thinking I keep falling short.
  • Crying during my therapy session. I had to have Woody sit in for the first half to help explain the past week because I couldn’t recall all of the details and the thought of it was exhausting.
  • Felt scared about having used all of the go fund me money for ketamine. Going back and forth about restarting the fundraiser.
  • Feeling like I’m not worth it.
  • Taking a shower because it had been awhile.. Woody had to wash my hair for me as I pressed my forehead on the shower wall and cried.
  • Sat on my bed wearing a towel and having zero energy to get dressed, so Jim had to dress me in my PJS.
  • Wren came to say goodnight to me and kissed me on the forehead telling me it will all be okay.
  • So so so much guilt that in 24 hours we have spent $800 to help give me a boost, when we should be paying off our debt because we are trying to buy a house.
  • strong urges to end my life because the hopelessness was taking over.
  • Considering doing ECT again because the results are faster but the memory loss was scary.

This morning I’ve felt a tiny fraction better. I have another infusion at 4:00 tonight. We hired a babysitter this morning so I could rest.

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One thought on “Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts

  1. No parent is perfect. The fact that your daughter is go good at comforting you shows that you are raising her to be a loving supportive adult. She will grow from this, too.

    Liked by 1 person

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