Trigger warning: self harm, suicide

Tonight was scary.

Either Jim or Woody drive me to my daily appointments because either my suicidal ideation is strong, I’m getting a ketamine infusion, or I’m just too mentally exhausted.

I was particularly fragile today and because I was upset about something at home, I was stubborn and drove myself. On the way to TMS, I almost rear ended someone because my vision wasn’t clear due to my sobbing.

I stopped at Target after the appointment because I wasn’t ready to go home, so I started shopping from my list which included this knife with the purpose of cutting myself. I grabbed a couple more items from the list and when I was walking to check out, I decided to put the knife back on the shelf because I know that even if it gives me temporary relief, it isn’t going to help me long term.

I sat in the parking lot for close to an hour because I wasn’t ready to leave — I was feeling suicidal and knew it was unsafe to drive. I was still having a difficult time calming down, I kept thinking to myself, WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR ME TO LIVE?!

On the way home, I passed the bridge which I’ve thought of driving over to end my life. When it was in sight I started having a severe panic attack because this time I thought I was actually going to do it. Honestly, I have no idea how I made it home— I kept thinking about my kiddos, I was still convinced everyone would be better off.

Thankfully Jim and Cindy took the kids to the park so they were not home at the time I pulled in. I walked to the bathroom, turned on the water and sat in the tub and sobbed until Woody came in to comfort me. The strange thing is that when he came in I was confused about how I even got there.

I promise I am doing everything I can to do get healthier— I’m taking my meds as prescribed, paying out of pocket for ketamine infusions, attending every TMS appointment, seeing my therapist weekly… but days like this sneak up on me and I can be triggered and things spiral down fast.

I’m still scared about how close I was to ending my life today. I’m grateful I didn’t, I won’t be driving anywhere by myself for awhile. It felt so comforting for Jim to wrap his arms around me and tell me he loves me, to hear the kids giggle with my sister, to have Woody join me in the shower to hold me and wash my hair.

I’m surrounded by love. I’ll keep fighting because I want to live.

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