This seems to be a pattern I’m noticing:

1. I feel severely depressed and experience passive suicidal ideation.

2. Treatment: I go in for a ketamine infusion a couple times a week, and TMS Monday-Friday.

3. After treatment I’m exhausted for at least a full 24 hours, not only from the infusion and TMS, but also from various medication changes, and not sleeping well at night.

4. I can access my wise mind when I start to feel better, I’m able to be more affectionate with the guys, spend quality time with the kids, engage in my hobbies. See progress, dare to be hopeful.

5. I feel so fucking fragile that one seemingly bleak or unintentionally hurtful comment from someone I love will leave me sobbing and back to feeling like everyone’s lives are better without me, and the suicidal ideation returns.

6. Repeat.

I’m so fucking tired, and some days I just don’t want to be anymore.

2 thoughts on “Patterns

  1. This is a very bleak and painful pattern you describe. I’m so sorry this is what life feels like for you right now.

    It won’t last forever. There were times when I thought my depression would last forever—and it did last a long, long time—but eventually, I got better. It’s hard to believe when you are in the middle of it, so please try to take hope from those of us who have been where you are and know it will change.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. That’s a really hard cycle to be in. No wonder you’re exhausted. Thank you for sharing this so your friends can help you shoulder some of the burden even if it doesn’t feel that way right now. You are so fucking strong!

    Liked by 1 person

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