This seems to be a pattern I’m noticing:
1. I feel severely depressed and experience passive suicidal ideation.
2. Treatment: I go in for a ketamine infusion a couple times a week, and TMS Monday-Friday.
3. After treatment I’m exhausted for at least a full 24 hours, not only from the infusion and TMS, but also from various medication changes, and not sleeping well at night.
4. I can access my wise mind when I start to feel better, I’m able to be more affectionate with the guys, spend quality time with the kids, engage in my hobbies. See progress, dare to be hopeful.
5. I feel so fucking fragile that one seemingly bleak or unintentionally hurtful comment from someone I love will leave me sobbing and back to feeling like everyone’s lives are better without me, and the suicidal ideation returns.
I’m so fucking tired, and some days I just don’t want to be anymore.