running on empty

I have nothing left in my tank— I can barely show any affection to my family and I’m bone tired. I actually fell asleep writing this blog. This week there have been moments when I feel inspired, like I’m able to do something helpful around the house, play with the kids, run an extra errand.Continue reading “running on empty”

Ughhhhh

My fatigue has fatigue, my stomach is cramping, my headache is persistent, my short-term memory is awful and I keep losing track of what I’m doing. My functionality would have better this morning (thanks to the ketamine infusion last night), but my body is rebelling because of the medication withdrawal. I see so many friendsContinue reading “Ughhhhh”

this Halloween

What’s terrifying this Halloween is how much I’m weighed down by the feeling that dying seems much easier than fighting ongoing battle of depression.. That self-harm seems to be the only thing I can think of that can distract me from how much my body hates me right now— between the existing side effects ofContinue reading “this Halloween”

depression is a liar.

I need to re-read this multiple times a day. “The truth is that you can be struggling and still be loved.” Sometimes I look at Jim and Woody when they’re distracted and contemplate why they are still by my side, fiercely and actively taking care of me. I look at my littles and wonder whyContinue reading “depression is a liar.”

tapering & withdrawl

I’ve known for awhile now that Klonopin (aka clonazepam) wasn’t the right drug for me based on side effects. I communicated my concerns to my doctor and was brushed off. When Woody backed me up a couple weeks later, my doctor said ok. This will be a LONG process, and anyone who has gone throughContinue reading “tapering & withdrawl”

Partner of the Depressed

(Guest journal entry by Woody, one of my partners that lives with me.) The hardest thing about loving someone who is suffering from depression is the memories what they are like when they are healthy. When we see those of us closest to us hurting, we want to try everything we can think of toContinue reading “Partner of the Depressed”

what you don’t see

I’m grateful for the ketamine infusion before our anniversary trip because it helps me feel stronger and more capable of battling my depression but it doesn’t just take a break when I get to. These smiles are genuine, I’m enjoying my trip with Jim. Nature hikes, fresh air, gift shopping, binge watching shows, laughing withContinue reading “what you don’t see”

depression + marriage

This morning Jim took me to get my TMS and ketamine infusion and afterwards we drove up north to a cabin near Pelican Lake to celebrate 7 years of being married. This trip is going to be a lot different from our other ones, but I know it will be just as good because heContinue reading “depression + marriage”

dark thoughts

I can never relax, i’m constantly in survival mode. I watch TV, read, scroll through social media, hang out with the guys, journal, blog, homeschool, make plans, listen to music.. anything to keep me going so my depression doesn’t paralyze me. On Thursday Jim and I are going up north for a few days toContinue reading “dark thoughts”

Dos and Don’ts

Not all depression is created equal. Not all depressive episodes are the same. One good day does not mean we’re in remission. Assuming that we are depressed because we aren’t trying hard enough or are lazy is hurtful. We don’t need to look depressed for it to matter. Depression is INVISIBLE — we are strugglingContinue reading “Dos and Don’ts”

no rest for the depressed

I wouldn’t wish hypnic jerking on anyone. I drank 2 cups of sleepy time tea, NyQuil, an over-the-counter sleep med, and my night meds and my body still could not relax enough to sleep. I was hoping a good night of sleep was going to help but as soon as I woke up my brainContinue reading “no rest for the depressed”

World Mental Health Day

Happy(?) World Mental Health Day. I’ve been trying to come up with something inspiring, something helpful, some good news–I went for a hike, drank chai while I walked around the bookstore, had lunch with my partner, spent time with my three year old– literally using every skill I have to keep myself going including repeatingContinue reading “World Mental Health Day”

keep going..

My 90 minute ketamine infusion went really well last night— I felt immediate relief which doesn’t always happen. It felt different somehow, like more powerful? Today I’ve been focusing on showing up for myself, not pushing myself too hard and doing by best at taking it easy. My “taking it easy” today was returning somethingContinue reading “keep going..”

Suicidal Ideation

Today has been really, really difficult. I tried to hold it together so I could get through Wren’s schooling and a visit from her PT and OT. As soon as that was over my suicidal ideation became this huge weight on me paired with the desire to self harm. My eating disorder is fighting toContinue reading “Suicidal Ideation”

Crash

I chopped off most of my hair today thinking it would be fun and make me feel beautiful again. I have been feeling so very unattractive— lots of weight gain because of my medications and zero energy to exercise outside of the house. My eating disorder patterns have been triggered, but so far I’ve beenContinue reading “Crash”

Keep going.

Woody sent me this tonight and it really meant a lot to me. Today was the first day in months I’ve been on my own with the kids because Woody is up north and Jim was at work. I’m still feeling wiped out and inpatient with the kids. I would have stayed in bed allContinue reading “Keep going.”

Time for rest

Today was powered by lots of coffee. I am exhausted—Wren’s tight school schedule, her new wheelchair being delivered, rushed errands that needed to be done. All before my treatments that started at 3:00. TMS and a prolonged ketamine infusion that was weird and very difficult to explain. I do have a lot of ketamine inContinue reading “Time for rest”

Sleep + hypnic jerk

Most of the time I have no issues falling asleep— I think it’s because of the various treatments I receive that leave me feeling fatigued. And add distance learning into the mix and I’m always up for a nap. The issue I have is that 2-30 seconds after I fall asleep I have a hypnicContinue reading “Sleep + hypnic jerk”

Thank you

I truly appreciate the kindness of everyone who has reached out, donated, and sent cards and gifts. I especially appreciate quick daily messages from you asking if i’m doing okay, and those of you who comment on my blog and facebook posts. And as a reminder– there are no perfect words– just knowing that you’reContinue reading “Thank you”

Hard to live

Just another day of me crying through my TMS. Why is it so hard for me to live? I’m not blind to my privilege ( I’m white, have health insurance, food and housing, people who love me) which makes me feel even more guilty. I’m sure these blog posts are becoming redundant but I guessContinue reading “Hard to live”