I wouldn’t wish hypnic jerking on anyone. I drank 2 cups of sleepy time tea, NyQuil, an over-the-counter sleep med, and my night meds and my body still could not relax enough to sleep. I was hoping a good night of sleep was going to help but as soon as I woke up my brainContinue reading “no rest for the depressed”
Tag Archives: mental health
World Mental Health Day
Happy(?) World Mental Health Day. I’ve been trying to come up with something inspiring, something helpful, some good news–I went for a hike, drank chai while I walked around the bookstore, had lunch with my partner, spent time with my three year old– literally using every skill I have to keep myself going including repeatingContinue reading “World Mental Health Day”
keep going..
My 90 minute ketamine infusion went really well last night— I felt immediate relief which doesn’t always happen. It felt different somehow, like more powerful? Today I’ve been focusing on showing up for myself, not pushing myself too hard and doing by best at taking it easy. My “taking it easy” today was returning somethingContinue reading “keep going..”
Suicidal Ideation
Today has been really, really difficult. I tried to hold it together so I could get through Wren’s schooling and a visit from her PT and OT. As soon as that was over my suicidal ideation became this huge weight on me paired with the desire to self harm. My eating disorder is fighting toContinue reading “Suicidal Ideation”
Crash
I chopped off most of my hair today thinking it would be fun and make me feel beautiful again. I have been feeling so very unattractive— lots of weight gain because of my medications and zero energy to exercise outside of the house. My eating disorder patterns have been triggered, but so far I’ve beenContinue reading “Crash”
Keep going.
Woody sent me this tonight and it really meant a lot to me. Today was the first day in months I’ve been on my own with the kids because Woody is up north and Jim was at work. I’m still feeling wiped out and inpatient with the kids. I would have stayed in bed allContinue reading “Keep going.”
Time for rest
Today was powered by lots of coffee. I am exhausted—Wren’s tight school schedule, her new wheelchair being delivered, rushed errands that needed to be done. All before my treatments that started at 3:00. TMS and a prolonged ketamine infusion that was weird and very difficult to explain. I do have a lot of ketamine inContinue reading “Time for rest”
Sleep + hypnic jerk
Most of the time I have no issues falling asleep— I think it’s because of the various treatments I receive that leave me feeling fatigued. And add distance learning into the mix and I’m always up for a nap. The issue I have is that 2-30 seconds after I fall asleep I have a hypnicContinue reading “Sleep + hypnic jerk”
Thank you
I truly appreciate the kindness of everyone who has reached out, donated, and sent cards and gifts. I especially appreciate quick daily messages from you asking if i’m doing okay, and those of you who comment on my blog and facebook posts. And as a reminder– there are no perfect words– just knowing that you’reContinue reading “Thank you”
Hard to live
Just another day of me crying through my TMS. Why is it so hard for me to live? I’m not blind to my privilege ( I’m white, have health insurance, food and housing, people who love me) which makes me feel even more guilty. I’m sure these blog posts are becoming redundant but I guessContinue reading “Hard to live”
Exhaustion
Today feels heavy—tomorrow probably will too. My brain is still so sick, the state of our nation is even more so. On days like today I wonder if all I’m doing is taking and draining resources from people who can actually be helped. I’m barely sleeping. It could be could be a side effect ofContinue reading “Exhaustion”
How much longer?
Today I have to skip TMS which I’m not happy about because for the last 24 hours I have been feeling dizzy— not the nauseous kind, but the kind of dizzy you feel when you are weaning off medications, or after ECT. I have been so consistent and accountable with all of my treatments andContinue reading “How much longer?”
Patterns
This seems to be a pattern I’m noticing: 1. I feel severely depressed and experience passive suicidal ideation. 2. Treatment: I go in for a ketamine infusion a couple times a week, and TMS Monday-Friday. 3. After treatment I’m exhausted for at least a full 24 hours, not only from the infusion and TMS, butContinue reading “Patterns”
I’m still here
The heartbreak of RBG dying, America’s justice system failing Breonna Taylor, thinking about what’s at stake with the election on November 3rd… it’s been really difficult to post about my struggles because compared to women being terrified of losing their rights, systemic racism, and a piece of shit president who does something everyday that makesContinue reading “I’m still here”
Not alone
Even during my lowest lows, I at least hold onto this:
Breaking apart
My lovely nurse came into the office on her day off so she could give me my ketamine infusion today at noon. I was only able to dissociate halfway through. When I got home I was able to take a couple hour nap because my sister was here taking care of the kids. I’m movingContinue reading “Breaking apart”
Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts
Here are the unglamorous parts of depression that I was experiencing yesterday: A LOT of crying, for hours. My 6 year old bringing me a box of tissues, telling me it’s going to be okay. Of course it’s sweet but I hate it that my 6 year old is the one comforting ME. Dropping theContinue reading “Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts”
Treatment resistant depression
I woke up at 6:30 with my three-year-old, and snuggled him on the couch, 30 minutes later my six-year-old woke up and joined her brother on my lap while we watched paw patrol. My little ones can be so very sweet, telling me that they love me multiple times a day, or like my sonContinue reading “Treatment resistant depression”
Words from my husband
I don’t have the perspective of either of my partners on what it’s like to love someone with a mental illness. I am always questioning why in the hell they still stay with me when I feel emotionally paralyzed, but I am so grateful they do. Jim is a phenomenal writer and he shared thisContinue reading “Words from my husband”
#6
I think all ketamine clinics differ from how they set up treatments. Danielle schedules 6 infusions within a two week period. Tonight was number 6 and the dissociation was intense— slow motion, puzzle pieces coming together, floating in the room, layers of meta on meta, feeling weightless… I’ll never be able to fully explain myContinue reading “#6”
i will grow from this 