Breaking apart

My lovely nurse came into the office on her day off so she could give me my ketamine infusion today at noon. I was only able to dissociate halfway through. When I got home I was able to take a couple hour nap because my sister was here taking care of the kids.

I’m moving pretty slowly— yesterday was one of the worst mental health days I’ve ever had, and today is a small improvement. Jim texted me to ask how it went and I said, “I don’t want to die as much 🤷🏻‍♀️”

Opening mail is now one of my least favorite things, we now have a folder just for my bills— an additional couple thousand today from ECT. Why is staying alive so expensive?

My depression is really taking a toll on my family—both Jim and Woody struggle with seeing me so defeated. The worst part is I can’t comfort them or help them because I’m drowning. I have no idea why they still choose to stay by my side but I am so fucking grateful.

Currently we have friends over and I’m hiding in my room, I don’t think I can look anyone in the eye without breaking apart.

I should be in the hospital right now and these are the reasons I’m not:

  1. Wren starts school on Monday.
  2. I start TMS on Monday.
  3. I really really really don’t like being hospitalized.
  4. The bills.
  5. Not having access to Ketamine if I need it.
  6. Not being around the people I love makes everything worse.
  7. It makes Woody and Jim’s life more complicated.

If you can help us with some of these bills or my ketamine infusions you can donate here:

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