shell of myself

I am burned out & depleted I desperately want to be in the moment & happy and carefree. Have sex or go hiking. Learn a new song or go to a bookstore. Actually be able to lose myself in a story. But I can’t find the capacity to carry on a conversation or go doContinue reading “shell of myself”

suicidal ideation

My depression has been LOUD the past 7 days. I’ve been mentally white-knuckling it, trying to fight it while being so fucking exhausted. My passive suicidal ideation has been debilitating all week. The truth is, even during my favorite time of year, I don’t always feel strongly about being alive. On the particularly bad days,Continue reading “suicidal ideation”

self-compassion

Polyamorous relationships are hard. Monogamous relationships are hard. Relationships during a pandemic are hard. Focusing on relationships while parenting is hard. Navigating relationships while battling mental illness is hard. Everything is okay now, but it’s been an emotional weekend at home with my partners. As an empathic person, I absorb the feelings and energy ofContinue reading “self-compassion”

stress & sadness

Depression is bad again today. I’m still feeling uncomfortable inside my body— it feels like it doesn’t remember what normal is. Headache, stomach ache, swelling, muscle soreness. I’ve been sneaking away for a few minutes for the majority of the day so I can break down and cry. I’m anxious about this week. I’m alreadyContinue reading “stress & sadness”

recovery is not a race.

Today has been a down day. It’s been over 24 hours since I took my last anti-depressant (I had to stop taking it because of side effects). I’ve caught myself staring at the walls a few times. It’s hard to ignore how long I’ve been fighting this current depressive episode. It’s easy to fall intoContinue reading “recovery is not a race.”

TMS

Yesterday I had my last TMS appointment. I was so proud of myself— I had 37 treatments in just a couple months and it feels like a huge accomplishment. I did a little dance in the lobby. I’ve been reflecting on my TMS experience and I think the staff needs to be upfront with howContinue reading “TMS”

surviving distance learning

This morning I couldn’t get out of bed until after 10:00 and that was by Woody physically dragging me out. Distance learning with Wren (6) is going to break me. She is such a special and spirited kid and I love her fiercely but she fights me on everything. I’m trying to extend compassion toContinue reading “surviving distance learning”

pretending

Happy Halloween 🎃 I had to do a lot of pretending to get through the day so that my kids could enjoy the holiday. My friend Patrick stopped by with a chai and gift for me and a bag of goodies for the kids. One of my besties, Bath-Sheba came over with her little oneContinue reading “pretending”

what you don’t see

I’m grateful for the ketamine infusion before our anniversary trip because it helps me feel stronger and more capable of battling my depression but it doesn’t just take a break when I get to. These smiles are genuine, I’m enjoying my trip with Jim. Nature hikes, fresh air, gift shopping, binge watching shows, laughing withContinue reading “what you don’t see”

Care Package from Katie M.

Thank you Katie, I cannot express how much this means to me. Today I have TMS and a Ketamine infusion.