shell of myself

I am burned out & depleted

I desperately want to be in the moment

& happy and carefree.

Have sex or go hiking.

Learn a new song or go to a bookstore.

Actually be able to lose myself in a story.

But I can’t find the capacity

to carry on a conversation

or go do anything.

I feel like a shell of myself.

There is an complex identity crisis that comes with chronic mental illness.

An internal struggle of

who I am in remission versus

who I am during a depressive episode.

& because often times that change is caused by my brain chemistry

& not consciously made.

It leaves me for a longing for normalcy.

The kind that allows me to

spend quality time with

family & friends

without crashing

immediately afterwards.

The kind that lets me do

basic physical human functions

like chores & showering

with minimal effort.

But the reality is,

nothing is second nature

when I’m suffering this much.

& the combination of

doing the smallest task

paired with guilt & shame

that i’m not doing enough,

completely depletes me.

Be well, be kind, rest