baseline resiliency

Today the ketamine infusion was ok, I only dissociated for the last 15 minutes but I laid there relaxed and listened to the music. I require an anesthetic-sized dose because my body rapidly metabolizes medicine, so i’m exhausted and out-of-it afterwards.

I always choose the “tree room” during ketamine treatments because it’s beautiful.

We are currently starting the tapering process on TMS– today was treatment #30. Next week I will have 4 appointments, than 3, and so on… Woody and I talked to Dr S. about tapering Klonopin (a benzodiazepine that helps me with anxiety) because the side effects have been nasty so I’ve wanted to get off this drug for a couple weeks now. Unfortunately, all of the miserable symptoms I’m currently having are consistent with withdrawal.

Every doctor will tell you that when you start a treatment, the people that surround you will notice progress before you do which makes me feel like I’ve somehow failed because I’m stubborn and pride myself on self-knowledge and awareness. However, this is proven to be the case. On most days I don’t feel like TMS, or medication is working because I often feel overwhelmed, everything is a struggle, i’m fatigued, feeling more hopeless than not, always feeling like a burden. A couple days ago I wrote on this on my social media:

Full disclosure: I hate the parent that Covid is turning me into. I am always irritated and yelling more than I ever have. The homework is overwhelming ( I know teachers are doing their best). I never go to bed at the end of the day feeling like I did a good job as a mom. This depressive episode isn’t doing me any favors either.

october 21st.

I think we all need to remind ourselves that we are doing the best we can– a lot of us are stuck in survival mode for multiple reasons: Covid-19 and all of it’s limitations, this upcoming election, our kids in school or distance learning, seasonal depression, regular mental and physical illnesses. No one is having an easy time.

What is working for me, is having 2 ketamine treatments scheduled weekly and in advance because the fear of inevitably crashing + the anxiety of not knowing exactly when is no longer up in the air. Hiring Semaji (our lovely neighborhood teen) to help us out in the mornings with Tucker so I can focus on Wren’s distance learning and is another thing that has lightened my load. Another one: starting Wednesday I will have a new med provider who is a women and mother of young kids which makes me feel like I can relate to her more.

Woody likes to say that my baseline resiliency is increasing. I want to believe that.

I am also still receiving happy mail. Bonnie, thank you so much for the card and beautiful pendent. Lee, thank you for the halloween card and stickers. Kris thank you for dropping off that wonderful book for me with the handwritten message inside. And thank you to all of you who keep sending me messages even when I don’t respond– I often don’t have much left in me to reply. I read all of the comments and copy a majority of them down in my journal. The community that surrounds me is just incredible and I am very very grateful.

Be well, be kind, vote.

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