it’s hard.

My last ketamine infusion was 6 days ago and I still don’t know when my next one will be. I think the reason I haven’t mentally crashed this week is because my anxiety has literally taken over my body and I’m back in survival mode. When I complete a task, I pause afterwards and thinkContinue reading “it’s hard.”

anxiety

It’s been awhile since I’ve felt this level of anxiety– I can barely type or think complete thoughts. The election is causing everyone anxiety but I have other things weighing on me too. The clinic where I get my TMS and ketamine treatments done has a patient that tested positive for COVID-19 and it’s beenContinue reading “anxiety”

insomnia + suicidal ideation

Last night my daughter woke up around 1:00am and I couldn’t fall back asleep for a couple hours thanks to my insomnia. I haven’t done any research on insomnia + suicidal ideation but there appears to be a strong connection for me and it was very scary last night. I was overwhelmed with frustration thatContinue reading “insomnia + suicidal ideation”

pretending

Happy Halloween 🎃 I had to do a lot of pretending to get through the day so that my kids could enjoy the holiday. My friend Patrick stopped by with a chai and gift for me and a bag of goodies for the kids. One of my besties, Bath-Sheba came over with her little oneContinue reading “pretending”

self-worth

I had TMS today, it was sort of miserable because I have this headache that never goes away. I’m so tired of feeling physically ill from my Klonopin. The way we originally organized the taper was going to last until mid November and this morning I decided to just get it done in 5 days.Continue reading “self-worth”

running on empty

I have nothing left in my tank— I can barely show any affection to my family and I’m bone tired. I actually fell asleep writing this blog. This week there have been moments when I feel inspired, like I’m able to do something helpful around the house, play with the kids, run an extra errand.Continue reading “running on empty”

Ughhhhh

My fatigue has fatigue, my stomach is cramping, my headache is persistent, my short-term memory is awful and I keep losing track of what I’m doing. My functionality would have better this morning (thanks to the ketamine infusion last night), but my body is rebelling because of the medication withdrawal. I see so many friendsContinue reading “Ughhhhh”

this Halloween

What’s terrifying this Halloween is how much I’m weighed down by the feeling that dying seems much easier than fighting ongoing battle of depression.. That self-harm seems to be the only thing I can think of that can distract me from how much my body hates me right now— between the existing side effects ofContinue reading “this Halloween”

tapering & withdrawl

I’ve known for awhile now that Klonopin (aka clonazepam) wasn’t the right drug for me based on side effects. I communicated my concerns to my doctor and was brushed off. When Woody backed me up a couple weeks later, my doctor said ok. This will be a LONG process, and anyone who has gone throughContinue reading “tapering & withdrawl”

PTSD

Trigger warning: rape I was drugged and raped by a friend’s friend at 21– I went through exposure therapy to help me with my PTSD a couple years afterwards and it even though it was excruciating, it was also life changing. There are things I can do now after that therapy that I wasn’t ableContinue reading “PTSD”

and crash

I’m still on my anniversary trip. Jim just went for a bike ride which I encouraged because I know it makes him happy. As soon as he left I broke down in tears. How is it that I am basically holding it together by default and unable to identify that I’m crashing? Am I justContinue reading “and crash”

what you don’t see

I’m grateful for the ketamine infusion before our anniversary trip because it helps me feel stronger and more capable of battling my depression but it doesn’t just take a break when I get to. These smiles are genuine, I’m enjoying my trip with Jim. Nature hikes, fresh air, gift shopping, binge watching shows, laughing withContinue reading “what you don’t see”

trigger warning: eating disorder

I’ve battled eating disorders since middle school and if you have one or know of someone who does, it isn’t something that can just go away. I know many alcoholics and recovery isn’t easy for them either and I am not trying to imply that— but you can choose to not be around alcohol whenContinue reading “trigger warning: eating disorder”

female bullshit

This morning I drove myself to Planned Parenthood to get my IUD removed and it was the second time since I almost drove myself off the road 2 weeks ago. Some studies have found that women using the Mirena (hormonal IUD) were more likely show signs of depression and anxiety. Also, I have period-like crampingContinue reading “female bullshit”

dark thoughts

I can never relax, i’m constantly in survival mode. I watch TV, read, scroll through social media, hang out with the guys, journal, blog, homeschool, make plans, listen to music.. anything to keep me going so my depression doesn’t paralyze me. On Thursday Jim and I are going up north for a few days toContinue reading “dark thoughts”

I made it through another day

This morning I tried to take a shower and I failed–I couldn’t muster up the energy it took to even turn on the water. Woody took me to my appointments this morning and Jim stayed home with the kids. I sobbed the entire 18 minutes of TMS– I really love my tech, she sat withContinue reading “I made it through another day”

Dos and Don’ts

Not all depression is created equal. Not all depressive episodes are the same. One good day does not mean we’re in remission. Assuming that we are depressed because we aren’t trying hard enough or are lazy is hurtful. We don’t need to look depressed for it to matter. Depression is INVISIBLE — we are strugglingContinue reading “Dos and Don’ts”

no rest for the depressed

I wouldn’t wish hypnic jerking on anyone. I drank 2 cups of sleepy time tea, NyQuil, an over-the-counter sleep med, and my night meds and my body still could not relax enough to sleep. I was hoping a good night of sleep was going to help but as soon as I woke up my brainContinue reading “no rest for the depressed”