I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory

I’m pretty sure that anyone who is diagnosed to treatment resistant depression is probably willing to try just about anything to feel better. That includes paying out of pocket for a ketamine infusion after we have used up all of the donations for previous infusions. Danielle was able to fit me in for an infusionContinue reading “I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory”

THANK YOU THANK YOU

Thank you to each and every person who donated so that I could get Ketamine infusions, which quite honestly have helped me stay alive. I have had 11 infusions total, most of them are helpful by getting me through to the next day, but I metabolize medicine very quickly so I often need a higherContinue reading “THANK YOU THANK YOU”

TMS eve

Today I was able to get out of bed around 1:30pm, talked with my therapist for 20 minutes, ran an errand (which was difficult because of sensory overload and scary because I kept getting dizzy), attempted to organize what I could for Wren’s first day of school tomorrow, took a shower, and watched a coupleContinue reading “TMS eve”

Breaking apart

My lovely nurse came into the office on her day off so she could give me my ketamine infusion today at noon. I was only able to dissociate halfway through. When I got home I was able to take a couple hour nap because my sister was here taking care of the kids. I’m movingContinue reading “Breaking apart”

The daily stuff

This morning I took a shower, ate breakfast, drank coffee, has 2 zoom meetings with Wren’s school—doing my best to fake a smile—and that is all I have left in me today.. I will be in bed for the rest of the night. The fight to stay alive is getting harder. I will be safeContinue reading “The daily stuff”

Thoughtfulness

I wish I could tell you that I’m still feeling wonderful, but the suicidal ideation is back. Woody and I sat in bed crying and holding each other— we’re both scared. I don’t know how I can get through TMS when my depression is this severe. Even with a phenomenal team of doctors, therapists, andContinue reading “Thoughtfulness”

Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts

Here are the unglamorous parts of depression that I was experiencing yesterday: A LOT of crying, for hours. My 6 year old bringing me a box of tissues, telling me it’s going to be okay. Of course it’s sweet but I hate it that my 6 year old is the one comforting ME. Dropping theContinue reading “Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts”

How much more can I take?

I felt happy and positive for 1-2 hours today.The rest of it I’ve been sobbing, fighting suicidal ideation AGAIN.Waiting to hear back from my doctor.We’ve used all the money donated for ketamine infusions.I don’t know what happens next but I feel like my heart is breaking, how much more can I take?I’m safe and willContinue reading “How much more can I take?”

Treatment resistant depression

I woke up at 6:30 with my three-year-old, and snuggled him on the couch, 30 minutes later my six-year-old woke up and joined her brother on my lap while we watched paw patrol. My little ones can be so very sweet, telling me that they love me multiple times a day, or like my sonContinue reading “Treatment resistant depression”