Thoughtfulness

I wish I could tell you that I’m still feeling wonderful, but the suicidal ideation is back. Woody and I sat in bed crying and holding each other— we’re both scared. I don’t know how I can get through TMS when my depression is this severe. Even with a phenomenal team of doctors, therapists, andContinue reading “Thoughtfulness”

Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts

Here are the unglamorous parts of depression that I was experiencing yesterday: A LOT of crying, for hours. My 6 year old bringing me a box of tissues, telling me it’s going to be okay. Of course it’s sweet but I hate it that my 6 year old is the one comforting ME. Dropping theContinue reading “Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts”

How much more can I take?

I felt happy and positive for 1-2 hours today.The rest of it I’ve been sobbing, fighting suicidal ideation AGAIN.Waiting to hear back from my doctor.We’ve used all the money donated for ketamine infusions.I don’t know what happens next but I feel like my heart is breaking, how much more can I take?I’m safe and willContinue reading “How much more can I take?”

Treatment resistant depression

I woke up at 6:30 with my three-year-old, and snuggled him on the couch, 30 minutes later my six-year-old woke up and joined her brother on my lap while we watched paw patrol. My little ones can be so very sweet, telling me that they love me multiple times a day, or like my sonContinue reading “Treatment resistant depression”

Words from my husband

I don’t have the perspective of either of my partners on what it’s like to love someone with a mental illness. I am always questioning why in the hell they still stay with me when I feel emotionally paralyzed, but I am so grateful they do. Jim is a phenomenal writer and he shared thisContinue reading “Words from my husband”

eye bra

I felt better after my ketamine infusion last night and this morning Wren came up the stairs and I told her, “mommy is feeling better today,” and she had the biggest smile and it made my heart so happy! I was able to get myself coffee, dress myself (sometimes I need help), and water myContinue reading “eye bra”

ketamine infusion

Tonight I had my first ketamine infusion and it was quite an experience. I remember feeling really emotional and stuck wondering if I was a good person. I threw up during the treatment so they will give me medication at the beginning of my next one. It’s been another exhausting day but I’m feeling aContinue reading “ketamine infusion”

ECT

During my two-week hospitalization I completed 5 (of up to 12 possible) Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) treatments. This procedure is done under general anesthesia, during which the doctor triggers a seizure by passing electricity through my brain. The goal is to alter the brain chemistry that is responsible for this depressive episode. The plan was toContinue reading “ECT”

riots not diets

I’ve been debating posting this journal entry all week and decided to share this because I know some of my friends might find this empowering AND I find it empowering because..I lost over 25lbs in 2 months because of my depression. This triggered my eating disorder and it’s been excruciating trying to love my bodyContinue reading “riots not diets”