I wish I could tell you that I’m still feeling wonderful, but the suicidal ideation is back. Woody and I sat in bed crying and holding each other— we’re both scared. I don’t know how I can get through TMS when my depression is this severe. Even with a phenomenal team of doctors, therapists, andContinue reading “Thoughtfulness”
Category Archives: mental health
Hold it together
I felt ok this morning, excited to share the news about TMS. Then I took Wren to get Botox injections on her arms, legs, and foot, which requires her to be under nitrous. I hold her hand and put on a brave face so she can remain calm. After the appointment was over, we rushedContinue reading “Hold it together”
good news!
Last night at 9:45pm I received an email from my psychiatrist saying that he pushed my TMS through insurance and I can start immediately. Today I am bringing Wren to the children’s hospital for Botox so I had to schedule the first appointment for Monday. Thereafter I will be receiving TMS 5 times a week.Continue reading “good news!”
I found hope
Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts
Here are the unglamorous parts of depression that I was experiencing yesterday: A LOT of crying, for hours. My 6 year old bringing me a box of tissues, telling me it’s going to be okay. Of course it’s sweet but I hate it that my 6 year old is the one comforting ME. Dropping theContinue reading “Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts”
How much more can I take?
I felt happy and positive for 1-2 hours today.The rest of it I’ve been sobbing, fighting suicidal ideation AGAIN.Waiting to hear back from my doctor.We’ve used all the money donated for ketamine infusions.I don’t know what happens next but I feel like my heart is breaking, how much more can I take?I’m safe and willContinue reading “How much more can I take?”
Treatment resistant depression
I woke up at 6:30 with my three-year-old, and snuggled him on the couch, 30 minutes later my six-year-old woke up and joined her brother on my lap while we watched paw patrol. My little ones can be so very sweet, telling me that they love me multiple times a day, or like my sonContinue reading “Treatment resistant depression”
7th infusion
Yesterday I had another infusion. And the ketamine helped again, SO quickly. A week ago I was desperate to end my life, and now thanks to infusions—I’m able to not only get out of bed, but out of the house.
4th day crash
I had a really great 3 days after my last infusion—feeling simultaneously hopeful and skeptical. I was checking off tasks from my to do list, being social, saying yes to more things.. but yesterday morning I started crashing again and it feels pretty devastating. I had a 90 minute appointment with my new physiatrist fromContinue reading “4th day crash”
self-care
Woke up feeling groggy and low energy which is normal after infusions and will hopefully dissipate tomorrow. I spent the morning filling out intake paperwork for my new doctor which was difficult because my brain isn’t functioning normally because of ECT and I have a long history of mental illness. I took a nap andContinue reading “self-care”
Words from my husband
I don’t have the perspective of either of my partners on what it’s like to love someone with a mental illness. I am always questioning why in the hell they still stay with me when I feel emotionally paralyzed, but I am so grateful they do. Jim is a phenomenal writer and he shared thisContinue reading “Words from my husband”
medication
The past two mornings I’ve woken up with energy instead of dread. I’ve been able to start and complete tasks around the house, run a couple of errands (with another adult, I can’t drive for 2 months). This is huge progress– I think those back to back ketamine infusions really helped me. One of theContinue reading “medication”
eye bra
I felt better after my ketamine infusion last night and this morning Wren came up the stairs and I told her, “mommy is feeling better today,” and she had the biggest smile and it made my heart so happy! I was able to get myself coffee, dress myself (sometimes I need help), and water myContinue reading “eye bra”
foggy brain
My (passive) suicidal ideation is loud today.I’m trying to work on this blog but my brain is foggy and I can’t think clearly.Currently in the waiting room for my 4th ketamine infusion— hoping to leave a little bit lighter.
Through her eyes
I’m overwhelmed with everything I need to keep track of and my memory is working against me ( because of ECT). I tried to sneak into my room to cry but my little Wren followed me and laid next to me and said, “you’re the best mommy ever” and this is the absolute last thingContinue reading “Through her eyes”
ketamine infusion
Tonight I had my first ketamine infusion and it was quite an experience. I remember feeling really emotional and stuck wondering if I was a good person. I threw up during the treatment so they will give me medication at the beginning of my next one. It’s been another exhausting day but I’m feeling aContinue reading “ketamine infusion”
ECT
During my two-week hospitalization I completed 5 (of up to 12 possible) Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) treatments. This procedure is done under general anesthesia, during which the doctor triggers a seizure by passing electricity through my brain. The goal is to alter the brain chemistry that is responsible for this depressive episode. The plan was toContinue reading “ECT”
hour by hour
What a crazy time we are living in. My depression is continuing to be more severe to the point that I’m barely functioning and yesterday I had to weigh the options of admitting myself to the hospital because of passive suicidal ideation* and risk exposure to COVID for myself and the people I’m close to,Continue reading “hour by hour”
keep going
riots not diets
I’ve been debating posting this journal entry all week and decided to share this because I know some of my friends might find this empowering AND I find it empowering because..I lost over 25lbs in 2 months because of my depression. This triggered my eating disorder and it’s been excruciating trying to love my bodyContinue reading “riots not diets”
i will grow from this 