built for it

I’ve been trying to outrun my sadness. If I pause, I start to cry and my suicidal ideation gets scary. I am just so over today — my patience is thin, I’m irritable, my head hurts, the feeling of hopelessness is heavy. This year is brutal for everyone. I wasn’t ready for a fraction ofContinue reading “built for it”

I am healing but it’s taking so long.

It doesn’t seem like being alive is as hard for other people ask it is for me. It just feels like there’s some kind of secret to life I don’t know. Like I’m doing it all wrong. Glennon Doyle This is month 18 of my current depressive episode. Are you getting tired of reading aboutContinue reading “I am healing but it’s taking so long.”

pause

This past week I’ve had pockets of happy in the sea of darkness that is in my head. It seems like I have unintentionally paused my life– I’m literally just trying to make it to the next day. I’m waiting, not living. The ketamine infusions keep me going, but it was becoming quickly obvious thatContinue reading “pause”

shell of myself

I am burned out & depleted I desperately want to be in the moment & happy and carefree. Have sex or go hiking. Learn a new song or go to a bookstore. Actually be able to lose myself in a story. But I can’t find the capacity to carry on a conversation or go doContinue reading “shell of myself”

suicidal ideation

My depression has been LOUD the past 7 days. I’ve been mentally white-knuckling it, trying to fight it while being so fucking exhausted. My passive suicidal ideation has been debilitating all week. The truth is, even during my favorite time of year, I don’t always feel strongly about being alive. On the particularly bad days,Continue reading “suicidal ideation”

self-worth

When did I start thinking so little of myself? Tonight I had therapy with my partners. While they talked about their feelings, I was repeating this over and over to MYSELF: “you’re not worth it.” I’ve convinced myself on a very deep level that I’m not worth any effort. Medical bills & debt? I’m notContinue reading “self-worth”

health insurance

I received an email from my therapist today telling me that I need to make a payment so that my account balance is under $2k. Even with a monthly payment, we are still paying this years health insurance deductible and are weeks away from starting over with our 2021 deductible. And this is just oneContinue reading “health insurance”

self-compassion

Polyamorous relationships are hard. Monogamous relationships are hard. Relationships during a pandemic are hard. Focusing on relationships while parenting is hard. Navigating relationships while battling mental illness is hard. Everything is okay now, but it’s been an emotional weekend at home with my partners. As an empathic person, I absorb the feelings and energy ofContinue reading “self-compassion”

self-preservation

After feeling my emotions so intensely for so long, I’ve recently started to feel kind of numb… but not in a negative way, more of a self-preservation way. I’m trying to keep things simple and avoid deep processing anything. I’ve been working on getting back to basic self care– keeping up with personal hygiene, gettingContinue reading “self-preservation”

test results

I received my neuro-psych results today– the two tests I took were the MMPI-2 and the MCMI IV. Jim and Woody took the ABCL to gauge symptoms and difficulties that they noticed. My primary diagnosis: Persistent Depressive Disorder with Persistent Major Depressive Episodes. This is also called Dysthymia. It’s basically long-term/chronic depression. The symptoms ofContinue reading “test results”

stress & sadness

Depression is bad again today. I’m still feeling uncomfortable inside my body— it feels like it doesn’t remember what normal is. Headache, stomach ache, swelling, muscle soreness. I’ve been sneaking away for a few minutes for the majority of the day so I can break down and cry. I’m anxious about this week. I’m alreadyContinue reading “stress & sadness”

recovery is not a race.

Today has been a down day. It’s been over 24 hours since I took my last anti-depressant (I had to stop taking it because of side effects). I’ve caught myself staring at the walls a few times. It’s hard to ignore how long I’ve been fighting this current depressive episode. It’s easy to fall intoContinue reading “recovery is not a race.”

TMS

Yesterday I had my last TMS appointment. I was so proud of myself— I had 37 treatments in just a couple months and it feels like a huge accomplishment. I did a little dance in the lobby. I’ve been reflecting on my TMS experience and I think the staff needs to be upfront with howContinue reading “TMS”

surviving distance learning

This morning I couldn’t get out of bed until after 10:00 and that was by Woody physically dragging me out. Distance learning with Wren (6) is going to break me. She is such a special and spirited kid and I love her fiercely but she fights me on everything. I’m trying to extend compassion toContinue reading “surviving distance learning”

ER visit

I am so uncomfortable in my body. I stopped taking my benzodiazepine a week ago and have been struggling with GI issues since. Today my stomach hurt whenever I touched it and I was short of breath and sweaty whenever I walked around. I went to the ER at 1:00pm. I was having a mildContinue reading “ER visit”

clenched fists

The clinic opened back up today and Danielle met me for an infusion. I have so much love for her— she came in despite having a death in the family. Turns out having a ketamine infusion during this election can be intense— while I was dissociating, I was feeling ALL of the feelings about theContinue reading “clenched fists”

it’s hard.

My last ketamine infusion was 6 days ago and I still don’t know when my next one will be. I think the reason I haven’t mentally crashed this week is because my anxiety has literally taken over my body and I’m back in survival mode. When I complete a task, I pause afterwards and thinkContinue reading “it’s hard.”