This morning I couldn’t get out of bed until after 10:00 and that was by Woody physically dragging me out. Distance learning with Wren (6) is going to break me. She is such a special and spirited kid and I love her fiercely but she fights me on everything. I’m trying to extend compassion toContinue reading “surviving distance learning”
Tag Archives: Depression
ER visit
I am so uncomfortable in my body. I stopped taking my benzodiazepine a week ago and have been struggling with GI issues since. Today my stomach hurt whenever I touched it and I was short of breath and sweaty whenever I walked around. I went to the ER at 1:00pm. I was having a mildContinue reading “ER visit”
clenched fists
The clinic opened back up today and Danielle met me for an infusion. I have so much love for her— she came in despite having a death in the family. Turns out having a ketamine infusion during this election can be intense— while I was dissociating, I was feeling ALL of the feelings about theContinue reading “clenched fists”
it’s hard.
My last ketamine infusion was 6 days ago and I still don’t know when my next one will be. I think the reason I haven’t mentally crashed this week is because my anxiety has literally taken over my body and I’m back in survival mode. When I complete a task, I pause afterwards and thinkContinue reading “it’s hard.”
anxiety
It’s been awhile since I’ve felt this level of anxiety– I can barely type or think complete thoughts. The election is causing everyone anxiety but I have other things weighing on me too. The clinic where I get my TMS and ketamine treatments done has a patient that tested positive for COVID-19 and it’s beenContinue reading “anxiety”
insomnia + suicidal ideation
Last night my daughter woke up around 1:00am and I couldn’t fall back asleep for a couple hours thanks to my insomnia. I haven’t done any research on insomnia + suicidal ideation but there appears to be a strong connection for me and it was very scary last night. I was overwhelmed with frustration thatContinue reading “insomnia + suicidal ideation”
pretending
Happy Halloween 🎃 I had to do a lot of pretending to get through the day so that my kids could enjoy the holiday. My friend Patrick stopped by with a chai and gift for me and a bag of goodies for the kids. One of my besties, Bath-Sheba came over with her little oneContinue reading “pretending”
self-worth
I had TMS today, it was sort of miserable because I have this headache that never goes away. I’m so tired of feeling physically ill from my Klonopin. The way we originally organized the taper was going to last until mid November and this morning I decided to just get it done in 5 days.Continue reading “self-worth”
running on empty
I have nothing left in my tank— I can barely show any affection to my family and I’m bone tired. I actually fell asleep writing this blog. This week there have been moments when I feel inspired, like I’m able to do something helpful around the house, play with the kids, run an extra errand.Continue reading “running on empty”
this Halloween
What’s terrifying this Halloween is how much I’m weighed down by the feeling that dying seems much easier than fighting ongoing battle of depression.. That self-harm seems to be the only thing I can think of that can distract me from how much my body hates me right now— between the existing side effects ofContinue reading “this Halloween”
depression is a liar.
I need to re-read this multiple times a day. “The truth is that you can be struggling and still be loved.” Sometimes I look at Jim and Woody when they’re distracted and contemplate why they are still by my side, fiercely and actively taking care of me. I look at my littles and wonder whyContinue reading “depression is a liar.”
Invisibility Disability Week
Just a reminder that mental illnesses are invisible and you should never assume how someone is doing based on how they project themselves. Be well, be kind, vote.
tapering & withdrawl
I’ve known for awhile now that Klonopin (aka clonazepam) wasn’t the right drug for me based on side effects. I communicated my concerns to my doctor and was brushed off. When Woody backed me up a couple weeks later, my doctor said ok. This will be a LONG process, and anyone who has gone throughContinue reading “tapering & withdrawl”
baseline resiliency
Today the ketamine infusion was ok, I only dissociated for the last 15 minutes but I laid there relaxed and listened to the music. I require an anesthetic-sized dose because my body rapidly metabolizes medicine, so i’m exhausted and out-of-it afterwards. We are currently starting the tapering process on TMS– today was treatment #30. NextContinue reading “baseline resiliency”
Partner of the Depressed
(Guest journal entry by Woody, one of my partners that lives with me.) The hardest thing about loving someone who is suffering from depression is the memories what they are like when they are healthy. When we see those of us closest to us hurting, we want to try everything we can think of toContinue reading “Partner of the Depressed”
PTSD
Trigger warning: rape I was drugged and raped by a friend’s friend at 21– I went through exposure therapy to help me with my PTSD a couple years afterwards and it even though it was excruciating, it was also life changing. There are things I can do now after that therapy that I wasn’t ableContinue reading “PTSD”
and crash
I’m still on my anniversary trip. Jim just went for a bike ride which I encouraged because I know it makes him happy. As soon as he left I broke down in tears. How is it that I am basically holding it together by default and unable to identify that I’m crashing? Am I justContinue reading “and crash”
what you don’t see
I’m grateful for the ketamine infusion before our anniversary trip because it helps me feel stronger and more capable of battling my depression but it doesn’t just take a break when I get to. These smiles are genuine, I’m enjoying my trip with Jim. Nature hikes, fresh air, gift shopping, binge watching shows, laughing withContinue reading “what you don’t see”
trigger warning: eating disorder
I’ve battled eating disorders since middle school and if you have one or know of someone who does, it isn’t something that can just go away. I know many alcoholics and recovery isn’t easy for them either and I am not trying to imply that— but you can choose to not be around alcohol whenContinue reading “trigger warning: eating disorder”
depression + marriage
This morning Jim took me to get my TMS and ketamine infusion and afterwards we drove up north to a cabin near Pelican Lake to celebrate 7 years of being married. This trip is going to be a lot different from our other ones, but I know it will be just as good because heContinue reading “depression + marriage”
i will grow from this 