World Mental Health Day

Happy(?) World Mental Health Day. I’ve been trying to come up with something inspiring, something helpful, some good news–I went for a hike, drank chai while I walked around the bookstore, had lunch with my partner, spent time with my three year old– literally using every skill I have to keep myself going including repeatingContinue reading “World Mental Health Day”

Fridays are hard.

We’ve noticed a pattern that starts on Thursdays– I start to feel anxious and usually just chalk it up to being tired from the long week and TMS, but as soon as I wake up on Friday my heart just starts racing because I know that if I crash, I won’t be able to seeContinue reading “Fridays are hard.”

Patterns

This seems to be a pattern I’m noticing: 1. I feel severely depressed and experience passive suicidal ideation. 2. Treatment: I go in for a ketamine infusion a couple times a week, and TMS Monday-Friday. 3. After treatment I’m exhausted for at least a full 24 hours, not only from the infusion and TMS, butContinue reading “Patterns”

Treatment resistant depression

I woke up at 6:30 with my three-year-old, and snuggled him on the couch, 30 minutes later my six-year-old woke up and joined her brother on my lap while we watched paw patrol. My little ones can be so very sweet, telling me that they love me multiple times a day, or like my sonContinue reading “Treatment resistant depression”

Words from my husband

I don’t have the perspective of either of my partners on what it’s like to love someone with a mental illness. I am always questioning why in the hell they still stay with me when I feel emotionally paralyzed, but I am so grateful they do. Jim is a phenomenal writer and he shared thisContinue reading “Words from my husband”

#6

I think all ketamine clinics differ from how they set up treatments. Danielle schedules 6 infusions within a two week period. Tonight was number 6 and the dissociation was intense— slow motion, puzzle pieces coming together, floating in the room, layers of meta on meta, feeling weightless… I’ll never be able to fully explain myContinue reading “#6”

eye bra

I felt better after my ketamine infusion last night and this morning Wren came up the stairs and I told her, “mommy is feeling better today,” and she had the biggest smile and it made my heart so happy! I was able to get myself coffee, dress myself (sometimes I need help), and water myContinue reading “eye bra”

ECT

During my two-week hospitalization I completed 5 (of up to 12 possible) Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) treatments. This procedure is done under general anesthesia, during which the doctor triggers a seizure by passing electricity through my brain. The goal is to alter the brain chemistry that is responsible for this depressive episode. The plan was toContinue reading “ECT”