Today was powered by lots of coffee. I am exhausted—Wren’s tight school schedule, her new wheelchair being delivered, rushed errands that needed to be done. All before my treatments that started at 3:00. TMS and a prolonged ketamine infusion that was weird and very difficult to explain. I do have a lot of ketamine inContinue reading “Time for rest”
Category Archives: mental health
Sleep + hypnic jerk
Most of the time I have no issues falling asleep— I think it’s because of the various treatments I receive that leave me feeling fatigued. And add distance learning into the mix and I’m always up for a nap. The issue I have is that 2-30 seconds after I fall asleep I have a hypnicContinue reading “Sleep + hypnic jerk”
Hard to live
Just another day of me crying through my TMS. Why is it so hard for me to live? I’m not blind to my privilege ( I’m white, have health insurance, food and housing, people who love me) which makes me feel even more guilty. I’m sure these blog posts are becoming redundant but I guessContinue reading “Hard to live”
How much longer?
Today I have to skip TMS which I’m not happy about because for the last 24 hours I have been feeling dizzy— not the nauseous kind, but the kind of dizzy you feel when you are weaning off medications, or after ECT. I have been so consistent and accountable with all of my treatments andContinue reading “How much longer?”
Patterns
This seems to be a pattern I’m noticing: 1. I feel severely depressed and experience passive suicidal ideation. 2. Treatment: I go in for a ketamine infusion a couple times a week, and TMS Monday-Friday. 3. After treatment I’m exhausted for at least a full 24 hours, not only from the infusion and TMS, butContinue reading “Patterns”
Growth Requires Rest
Today I cleaned for a couple hours, went with my sister to Costco, took a nap, and filled out my absentee ballot. (have you?) It’s not often I feel like I have enough energy to get anything done– I often need help showering, dressing, taking medications, eating– but the day after infusions, if I haveContinue reading “Growth Requires Rest”
Big Day
Today was a pretty big day for me. Danielle wanted to try something new because the regular infusions were only giving me about 48 hours of relief at best. She prescribed a patch called Scopolamine which normally used to help with nausea– I think it was accidentally discovered that it makes the benefit of ketamineContinue reading “Big Day”
I’m still here
The heartbreak of RBG dying, America’s justice system failing Breonna Taylor, thinking about what’s at stake with the election on November 3rd… it’s been really difficult to post about my struggles because compared to women being terrified of losing their rights, systemic racism, and a piece of shit president who does something everyday that makesContinue reading “I’m still here”
Not alone
Even during my lowest lows, I at least hold onto this:
Trigger warning: self harm, suicide
Tonight was scary. Either Jim or Woody drive me to my daily appointments because either my suicidal ideation is strong, I’m getting a ketamine infusion, or I’m just too mentally exhausted. I was particularly fragile today and because I was upset about something at home, I was stubborn and drove myself. On the way toContinue reading “Trigger warning: self harm, suicide”
This is what matters
I often feel as if I’m failing my children. Yesterday my three-year-old saw me crying in bed and told Jim that my brain is sick and I need to go to the hospital. This morning I struggled to get my six-year-old to do her homework and ended up back in bed sobbing because I wasContinue reading “This is what matters”
I’m so tired
I’m tired of resting in bed when I want to do other things. I’m tired of crashing at least once a week. I’m tired of my kids seeing me cry. I’m tired of not knowing what happens next. I’m tired of saying no. I’m tired of making decisions. I’m tired of appointments. I’m tired ofContinue reading “I’m so tired”
I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory
I’m pretty sure that anyone who is diagnosed to treatment resistant depression is probably willing to try just about anything to feel better. That includes paying out of pocket for a ketamine infusion after we have used up all of the donations for previous infusions. Danielle was able to fit me in for an infusionContinue reading “I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory”
Trial & Error
I know I just wrote about progress, it wasn’t a lie — it was me trying to use my wise mind and see the good. And keep my shit together so I could help Wren through school today— I’m not sure I exceeded. Compound ketamine is ideal in almost every way, but with the exceptionContinue reading “Trial & Error”
Trusting Progress
It’s been two days since I’ve had severe suicidal ideation and while that is good news, I also have a sinking feeling that it’s only a matter of time before it returns, it feels like a countdown. I don’t consider myself as a pessimist but this year has beaten me up– can I trust theContinue reading “Trusting Progress”
Compound Ketamine
Today after TMS, I picked up my prescription for compound Ketamine— it was $36 but since we have reached our deductible of 4K—we have spent over 3k on prescriptions for my depression—it was free with insurance. It is VERY unpleasant, I have to do five sprays in each nostril every other day… the ONLY thingContinue reading “Compound Ketamine”
UPDATES
It’s been 36 hours since my last ketamine infusion and I’m still feeling good– I’m not starting random dance parties in our living room, or playing my ukulele– but I can play simple board games, I took the kids for a walk to pick up garbage in our neighborhood, went to Costco with my sisterContinue reading “UPDATES”
THANK YOU THANK YOU
Thank you to each and every person who donated so that I could get Ketamine infusions, which quite honestly have helped me stay alive. I have had 11 infusions total, most of them are helpful by getting me through to the next day, but I metabolize medicine very quickly so I often need a higherContinue reading “THANK YOU THANK YOU”
8
I know a lot of you want to hear about how TMS went and I will fill you in later on— right now I’m a number 8 on this suicide scale and I’m trying to fight and hold on minute by minute. I’m so fucking tired.
TMS eve
Today I was able to get out of bed around 1:30pm, talked with my therapist for 20 minutes, ran an errand (which was difficult because of sensory overload and scary because I kept getting dizzy), attempted to organize what I could for Wren’s first day of school tomorrow, took a shower, and watched a coupleContinue reading “TMS eve”
i will grow from this 