9 pages in my new journal tonight. I’m not under any illusion that 2021 is going to be easier for me, but hopefully it will feel less like drowning.
Tag Archives: Persistent Depressive Disorder
Let’s talk about memory loss.
Why don’t we talk about the link between depression and memory loss/function? I struggle with memory loss, the majority of it is related to going through 5 ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy) treatments in August while I was hospitalized. I was informed this would happen, and at the time, my depression was so severe that I viewedContinue reading “Let’s talk about memory loss.”
Ketamine infusions have proven to be the most effective for treating my depressive episode. For most of the fall I was getting an infusion twice a week, but tried to space it out (because it’s expensive) to every 10 days, with the goal of getting it every 3 weeks. But as soon as I goContinue reading “suicidal thoughts”
keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keep going.. keepContinue reading “keep going..”
built for it
I’ve been trying to outrun my sadness. If I pause, I start to cry and my suicidal ideation gets scary. I am just so over today — my patience is thin, I’m irritable, my head hurts, the feeling of hopelessness is heavy. This year is brutal for everyone. I wasn’t ready for a fraction ofContinue reading “built for it”
I am healing but it’s taking so long.
It doesn’t seem like being alive is as hard for other people ask it is for me. It just feels like there’s some kind of secret to life I don’t know. Like I’m doing it all wrong. Glennon Doyle This is month 18 of my current depressive episode. Are you getting tired of reading aboutContinue reading “I am healing but it’s taking so long.”
This past week I’ve had pockets of happy in the sea of darkness that is in my head. It seems like I have unintentionally paused my life– I’m literally just trying to make it to the next day. I’m waiting, not living. The ketamine infusions keep me going, but it was becoming quickly obvious thatContinue reading “pause”
snow & sadness
1. Solo hike. 2. Snow flurries. 3. So many tears. 4. Warm chai tea. 5. Quiet. 6. Solitude. ❄️ This week has been really heavy. But I’m still here. & I’m continuing to fight to stay alive. I promise.
shell of myself
I am burned out & depleted I desperately want to be in the moment & happy and carefree. Have sex or go hiking. Learn a new song or go to a bookstore. Actually be able to lose myself in a story. But I can’t find the capacity to carry on a conversation or go doContinue reading “shell of myself”
My depression has been LOUD the past 7 days. I’ve been mentally white-knuckling it, trying to fight it while being so fucking exhausted. My passive suicidal ideation has been debilitating all week. The truth is, even during my favorite time of year, I don’t always feel strongly about being alive. On the particularly bad days,Continue reading “suicidal ideation”
I received an email from my therapist today telling me that I need to make a payment so that my account balance is under $2k. Even with a monthly payment, we are still paying this years health insurance deductible and are weeks away from starting over with our 2021 deductible. And this is just oneContinue reading “health insurance”
After feeling my emotions so intensely for so long, I’ve recently started to feel kind of numb… but not in a negative way, more of a self-preservation way. I’m trying to keep things simple and avoid deep processing anything. I’ve been working on getting back to basic self care– keeping up with personal hygiene, gettingContinue reading “self-preservation”
I received my neuro-psych results today– the two tests I took were the MMPI-2 and the MCMI IV. Jim and Woody took the ABCL to gauge symptoms and difficulties that they noticed. My primary diagnosis: Persistent Depressive Disorder with Persistent Major Depressive Episodes. This is also called Dysthymia. It’s basically long-term/chronic depression. The symptoms ofContinue reading “test results”