cassie

I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory

I’m pretty sure that anyone who is diagnosed to treatment resistant depression is probably willing to try just about anything to feel better. That includes paying out of pocket for a ketamine infusion after we have used up all of the donations for previous infusions. Danielle was able to fit me in for an infusionContinue reading “I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory”

Trial & Error

I know I just wrote about progress, it wasn’t a lie — it was me trying to use my wise mind and see the good. And keep my shit together so I could help Wren through school today— I’m not sure I exceeded. Compound ketamine is ideal in almost every way, but with the exceptionContinue reading “Trial & Error”

Trusting Progress

It’s been two days since I’ve had severe suicidal ideation and while that is good news, I also have a sinking feeling that it’s only a matter of time before it returns, it feels like a countdown. I don’t consider myself as a pessimist but this year has beaten me up– can I trust theContinue reading “Trusting Progress”

Compound Ketamine

Today after TMS, I picked up my prescription for compound Ketamine— it was $36 but since we have reached our deductible of 4K—we have spent over 3k on prescriptions for my depression—it was free with insurance. It is VERY unpleasant, I have to do five sprays in each nostril every other day… the ONLY thingContinue reading “Compound Ketamine”

UPDATES

It’s been 36 hours since my last ketamine infusion and I’m still feeling good– I’m not starting random dance parties in our living room, or playing my ukulele– but I can play simple board games, I took the kids for a walk to pick up garbage in our neighborhood, went to Costco with my sisterContinue reading “UPDATES”

THANK YOU THANK YOU

Thank you to each and every person who donated so that I could get Ketamine infusions, which quite honestly have helped me stay alive. I have had 11 infusions total, most of them are helpful by getting me through to the next day, but I metabolize medicine very quickly so I often need a higherContinue reading “THANK YOU THANK YOU”

Transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) #1

Ok, there were two separate things happening last night and I wasn’t ready to talk about it but I’m going to give it a shot now. TMS uses a small electromagnetic coil controlled by a computer program to deliver short, powerful bursts of magnetic energy focused precisely on the left side of the brain’s frontal cortex.Continue reading “Transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) #1”

8

I know a lot of you want to hear about how TMS went and I will fill you in later on— right now I’m a number 8 on this suicide scale and I’m trying to fight and hold on minute by minute. I’m so fucking tired.

TMS eve

Today I was able to get out of bed around 1:30pm, talked with my therapist for 20 minutes, ran an errand (which was difficult because of sensory overload and scary because I kept getting dizzy), attempted to organize what I could for Wren’s first day of school tomorrow, took a shower, and watched a coupleContinue reading “TMS eve”

getting out of bed

This is where I’m at this morning—I’ve been googling ‘why can’t I get out of bed when I have depression’ trying to find a reason that will satisfy others so they can understand— and not just think I’m being lazy. I had a fitful night of sleep and I’ve been awake for hours. Jim andContinue reading “getting out of bed”

Breaking apart

My lovely nurse came into the office on her day off so she could give me my ketamine infusion today at noon. I was only able to dissociate halfway through. When I got home I was able to take a couple hour nap because my sister was here taking care of the kids. I’m movingContinue reading “Breaking apart”

I’m not living..

This afternoon I decided that I was done fighting for my life. I convinced myself that my family would be better without me, the guys wouldn’t have to be burdened with it all, my kids would still be fiercely loved and supported by friends and family… And then Wren came into my room and said,Continue reading “I’m not living..”

The daily stuff

This morning I took a shower, ate breakfast, drank coffee, has 2 zoom meetings with Wren’s school—doing my best to fake a smile—and that is all I have left in me today.. I will be in bed for the rest of the night. The fight to stay alive is getting harder. I will be safeContinue reading “The daily stuff”

Thoughtfulness

I wish I could tell you that I’m still feeling wonderful, but the suicidal ideation is back. Woody and I sat in bed crying and holding each other— we’re both scared. I don’t know how I can get through TMS when my depression is this severe. Even with a phenomenal team of doctors, therapists, andContinue reading “Thoughtfulness”

Hold it together

I felt ok this morning, excited to share the news about TMS. Then I took Wren to get Botox injections on her arms, legs, and foot, which requires her to be under nitrous. I hold her hand and put on a brave face so she can remain calm. After the appointment was over, we rushedContinue reading “Hold it together”

good news!

Last night at 9:45pm I received an email from my psychiatrist saying that he pushed my TMS through insurance and I can start immediately. Today I am bringing Wren to the children’s hospital for Botox so I had to schedule the first appointment for Monday. Thereafter I will be receiving TMS 5 times a week.Continue reading “good news!”

I found hope

Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts

Here are the unglamorous parts of depression that I was experiencing yesterday: A LOT of crying, for hours. My 6 year old bringing me a box of tissues, telling me it’s going to be okay. Of course it’s sweet but I hate it that my 6 year old is the one comforting ME. Dropping theContinue reading “Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts”

Hopelessness

Today I am overwhelmed with hopelessness. I wish I had the energy to tell you more about it but for now I will leave you with something my friend said to me: Those lowest moments are where we have to dig the deepest and cast our line out for anything that gives us the edgeContinue reading “Hopelessness”

How much more can I take?

I felt happy and positive for 1-2 hours today.The rest of it I’ve been sobbing, fighting suicidal ideation AGAIN.Waiting to hear back from my doctor.We’ve used all the money donated for ketamine infusions.I don’t know what happens next but I feel like my heart is breaking, how much more can I take?I’m safe and willContinue reading “How much more can I take?”