Depression – Page 2 – i will grow from this

Thank you

I truly appreciate the kindness of everyone who has reached out, donated, and sent cards and gifts. I especially appreciate quick daily messages from you asking if i’m doing okay, and those of you who comment on my blog and facebook posts. And as a reminder– there are no perfect words– just knowing that you’reContinue reading “Thank you”

Hard to live

Just another day of me crying through my TMS. Why is it so hard for me to live? I’m not blind to my privilege ( I’m white, have health insurance, food and housing, people who love me) which makes me feel even more guilty. I’m sure these blog posts are becoming redundant but I guessContinue reading “Hard to live”

Patterns

This seems to be a pattern I’m noticing: 1. I feel severely depressed and experience passive suicidal ideation. 2. Treatment: I go in for a ketamine infusion a couple times a week, and TMS Monday-Friday. 3. After treatment I’m exhausted for at least a full 24 hours, not only from the infusion and TMS, butContinue reading “Patterns”

I’m still here

The heartbreak of RBG dying, America’s justice system failing Breonna Taylor, thinking about what’s at stake with the election on November 3rd… it’s been really difficult to post about my struggles because compared to women being terrified of losing their rights, systemic racism, and a piece of shit president who does something everyday that makesContinue reading “I’m still here”

I’m so tired

I’m tired of resting in bed when I want to do other things. I’m tired of crashing at least once a week. I’m tired of my kids seeing me cry. I’m tired of not knowing what happens next. I’m tired of saying no. I’m tired of making decisions. I’m tired of appointments. I’m tired ofContinue reading “I’m so tired”

getting out of bed

This is where I’m at this morning—I’ve been googling ‘why can’t I get out of bed when I have depression’ trying to find a reason that will satisfy others so they can understand— and not just think I’m being lazy. I had a fitful night of sleep and I’ve been awake for hours. Jim andContinue reading “getting out of bed”

I’m not living..

This afternoon I decided that I was done fighting for my life. I convinced myself that my family would be better without me, the guys wouldn’t have to be burdened with it all, my kids would still be fiercely loved and supported by friends and family… And then Wren came into my room and said,Continue reading “I’m not living..”

The daily stuff

This morning I took a shower, ate breakfast, drank coffee, has 2 zoom meetings with Wren’s school—doing my best to fake a smile—and that is all I have left in me today.. I will be in bed for the rest of the night. The fight to stay alive is getting harder. I will be safeContinue reading “The daily stuff”

Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts

Here are the unglamorous parts of depression that I was experiencing yesterday: A LOT of crying, for hours. My 6 year old bringing me a box of tissues, telling me it’s going to be okay. Of course it’s sweet but I hate it that my 6 year old is the one comforting ME. Dropping theContinue reading “Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts”

self-care

Woke up feeling groggy and low energy which is normal after infusions and will hopefully dissipate tomorrow. I spent the morning filling out intake paperwork for my new doctor which was difficult because my brain isn’t functioning normally because of ECT and I have a long history of mental illness. I took a nap andContinue reading “self-care”

Words from my husband

I don’t have the perspective of either of my partners on what it’s like to love someone with a mental illness. I am always questioning why in the hell they still stay with me when I feel emotionally paralyzed, but I am so grateful they do. Jim is a phenomenal writer and he shared thisContinue reading “Words from my husband”