treatment resistant depression

Trial & Error

I know I just wrote about progress, it wasn’t a lie — it was me trying to use my wise mind and see the good. And keep my shit together so I could help Wren through school today— I’m not sure I exceeded. Compound ketamine is ideal in almost every way, but with the exceptionContinue reading “Trial & Error”

Transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) #1

Ok, there were two separate things happening last night and I wasn’t ready to talk about it but I’m going to give it a shot now. TMS uses a small electromagnetic coil controlled by a computer program to deliver short, powerful bursts of magnetic energy focused precisely on the left side of the brain’s frontal cortex.Continue reading “Transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) #1”

8

I know a lot of you want to hear about how TMS went and I will fill you in later on— right now I’m a number 8 on this suicide scale and I’m trying to fight and hold on minute by minute. I’m so fucking tired.

TMS eve

Today I was able to get out of bed around 1:30pm, talked with my therapist for 20 minutes, ran an errand (which was difficult because of sensory overload and scary because I kept getting dizzy), attempted to organize what I could for Wren’s first day of school tomorrow, took a shower, and watched a coupleContinue reading “TMS eve”

getting out of bed

This is where I’m at this morning—I’ve been googling ‘why can’t I get out of bed when I have depression’ trying to find a reason that will satisfy others so they can understand— and not just think I’m being lazy. I had a fitful night of sleep and I’ve been awake for hours. Jim andContinue reading “getting out of bed”

Breaking apart

My lovely nurse came into the office on her day off so she could give me my ketamine infusion today at noon. I was only able to dissociate halfway through. When I got home I was able to take a couple hour nap because my sister was here taking care of the kids. I’m movingContinue reading “Breaking apart”

The daily stuff

This morning I took a shower, ate breakfast, drank coffee, has 2 zoom meetings with Wren’s school—doing my best to fake a smile—and that is all I have left in me today.. I will be in bed for the rest of the night. The fight to stay alive is getting harder. I will be safeContinue reading “The daily stuff”

Thoughtfulness

I wish I could tell you that I’m still feeling wonderful, but the suicidal ideation is back. Woody and I sat in bed crying and holding each other— we’re both scared. I don’t know how I can get through TMS when my depression is this severe. Even with a phenomenal team of doctors, therapists, andContinue reading “Thoughtfulness”

Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts

Here are the unglamorous parts of depression that I was experiencing yesterday: A LOT of crying, for hours. My 6 year old bringing me a box of tissues, telling me it’s going to be okay. Of course it’s sweet but I hate it that my 6 year old is the one comforting ME. Dropping theContinue reading “Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts”

I woke up at 6:30 with my three-year-old, and snuggled him on the couch, 30 minutes later my six-year-old woke up and joined her brother on my lap while we watched paw patrol. My little ones can be so very sweet, telling me that they love me multiple times a day, or like my sonContinue reading “Treatment resistant depression”

#6

I think all ketamine clinics differ from how they set up treatments. Danielle schedules 6 infusions within a two week period. Tonight was number 6 and the dissociation was intense— slow motion, puzzle pieces coming together, floating in the room, layers of meta on meta, feeling weightless… I’ll never be able to fully explain myContinue reading “#6”

eye bra

I felt better after my ketamine infusion last night and this morning Wren came up the stairs and I told her, “mommy is feeling better today,” and she had the biggest smile and it made my heart so happy! I was able to get myself coffee, dress myself (sometimes I need help), and water myContinue reading “eye bra”

ketamine infusion

Tonight I had my first ketamine infusion and it was quite an experience. I remember feeling really emotional and stuck wondering if I was a good person. I threw up during the treatment so they will give me medication at the beginning of my next one. It’s been another exhausting day but I’m feeling aContinue reading “ketamine infusion”

ECT

During my two-week hospitalization I completed 5 (of up to 12 possible) Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) treatments. This procedure is done under general anesthesia, during which the doctor triggers a seizure by passing electricity through my brain. The goal is to alter the brain chemistry that is responsible for this depressive episode. The plan was toContinue reading “ECT”