Category Archives: Treatment Resistant Depression (TRD)

Exhaustion

Today feels heavy—tomorrow probably will too. My brain is still so sick, the state of our nation is even more so. On days like today I wonder if all I’m doing is taking and draining resources from people who can actually be helped. I’m barely sleeping. It could be could be a side effect ofContinue reading “Exhaustion”

Patterns

This seems to be a pattern I’m noticing: 1. I feel severely depressed and experience passive suicidal ideation. 2. Treatment: I go in for a ketamine infusion a couple times a week, and TMS Monday-Friday. 3. After treatment I’m exhausted for at least a full 24 hours, not only from the infusion and TMS, butContinue reading “Patterns”

Big Day

Today was a pretty big day for me. Danielle wanted to try something new because the regular infusions were only giving me about 48 hours of relief at best. She prescribed a patch called Scopolamine which normally used to help with nausea– I think it was accidentally discovered that it makes the benefit of ketamineContinue reading “Big Day”

I’m still here

The heartbreak of RBG dying, America’s justice system failing Breonna Taylor, thinking about what’s at stake with the election on November 3rd… it’s been really difficult to post about my struggles because compared to women being terrified of losing their rights, systemic racism, and a piece of shit president who does something everyday that makesContinue reading “I’m still here”

Transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) #1

Ok, there were two separate things happening last night and I wasn’t ready to talk about it but I’m going to give it a shot now. TMS uses a small electromagnetic coil controlled by a computer program to deliver short, powerful bursts of magnetic energy focused precisely on the left side of the brain’s frontal cortex.Continue reading “Transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) #1”

getting out of bed

This is where I’m at this morning—I’ve been googling ‘why can’t I get out of bed when I have depression’ trying to find a reason that will satisfy others so they can understand— and not just think I’m being lazy. I had a fitful night of sleep and I’ve been awake for hours. Jim andContinue reading “getting out of bed”

Breaking apart

My lovely nurse came into the office on her day off so she could give me my ketamine infusion today at noon. I was only able to dissociate halfway through. When I got home I was able to take a couple hour nap because my sister was here taking care of the kids. I’m movingContinue reading “Breaking apart”

The daily stuff

This morning I took a shower, ate breakfast, drank coffee, has 2 zoom meetings with Wren’s school—doing my best to fake a smile—and that is all I have left in me today.. I will be in bed for the rest of the night. The fight to stay alive is getting harder. I will be safeContinue reading “The daily stuff”